Are You a Rocket Scientist?

There are no two words more associated with intelligence, or the questioning of intelligence, than "Rocket Scientist".  And there is no word more associated with the failure to solve life's problems than 'complication'.

Think about scientists.  They want to learn something or building something so they formulate a question and then they seek ways to find answers that prove or disprove their theories, together with research and testing this is how they achieve their goals.

Do you think that scientists sit down and say "okay guys, what's the most complicated and difficult way we can go about this?" I wouldn't think so.  They didn't go into the field to take 40 years to find something out, or worse still to fail.  They went into the world full of curiosity and seeking answers.

As yourself, would a scientific researcher be upset if, on their first day at work, they discovered that the cure for all cancers was a teaspoon of salt a day?  Or do you think NASA want a spacecraft that can be operated and repaired easily when it's in space, or one so complex they can never work it out but they look good trying?

So let's assume that I'm right and scientists don't set out to complicate matters.  They want easy answers to every question and easy solutions to every problem; the easiest workable solutions they can find.  So let's think how we can take a more straightforward and simple approach to the issues that bug us:

• Start by working out what the problem is in the simplest possible terms.  Remove all complication.  Get to the black and white.
• Answer the question "what is the simplest answer to this problem?"  Remember that simple may not equal easy to achieve, but the simplest and easiest answer will of course make it simpler and easier to deal with.
• Test your solution.
• If it works job done, if not...
• Seek another simple and easy solution...and repeat.

You might notice that I'm breaking all writing rules here by repeating the words simple and easy at every possible opportunity.  I'm doing it deliberately in order to break down the social idea that life is complex and problems are so difficult that solving them is a terrible worry.

I want to destroy the idea that life has to be difficult, that happiness is hard to find, that there are always worries, that no one can expect to be happy.  These ideas are untrue, plus they complicate life and confuse our decision making processes. Have you ever had someone say "it's not that simple" in reply to an idea you've had?  Why can't things be simple, in fact very often life is extraordinarily simple.

One of the biggies is obviously trying to get out of a bad relationship.  When asked whether they love their partners people will often reply "yes but not in that way, more as a friend".  Yet they know that if they're having marriage/partnership problems that wasn't the question that was asked.

They know what the question meant but fear of the next step forces them to politely soften the answer in such a way that it makes the problem more complex.  "Well I do love them in a way so maybe I should stay?"

This is why getting the question clear in your mind is absolutely vital, and then answering it in the simplest and most straightforward way is critical.

• Find the real question
• Answer the real question
• Then stop!

You will probably feel that you now have to end your relationship immediately or sooner, but you don't.  Once you know the truth you can spend all the time you need working towards the way to achieve the solution.

I knew for 6 years that I would leave my first husband but I had to put some emotional difficulties to bed, some practicalities in place, and prepare myself mentally for taking that step.  I took all the time I needed and don't regret that, but oh the peace of mind and inner strength I felt simply by admitting the truth to myself.  I was no longer trapped, I was moving on and there was no doubt in my mind that I was leaving him, the decision was made.

There is nothing wrong with deciding not to leave your other half until your last child is 16, but you will be so much more peaceful inside knowing that this is going to happen.  It also gives you time to be absolutely certain the decision is right before you take that final step.  The key point is always to tell yourself the truth but never believe that you have to share that truth with anyone else.

All complexity does it prevent you from solving problems, and a lot of that comes from fear and doubts over your ability to create a great future.  All you have to do is remember to learn from your mistakes and use that knowledge in a positive way to prevent you repeating them.

So there we are - a simple idea for simplifying your life and putting a stop to issues before they become problems.

Who needs more complexity?

Deb Hawken - Writer, Life Coach, Speaker, Medium

Author of "Who am I, Where am I, What is this Place?"
Available from Amazon in softback or Kindle version,
Barnes & Noble, or Google Play Books.
www.debhawken.com
Email deb@debhawken.com

Technological Disconnection

Before I continue with this post I want to make one thing very clear.  I've had the most fantastic support on Facebook from people I've never met who have been messaging me during this stressful time in my life and offering advice on my problem.  Some of them friends, some of them strangers.  So none of this applies to anyone who has messaged me or commented, or the two friends already mentioned in despatches.

Loneliness and Isolation

From my experience of the past few weeks I feel that we're all relying on certain forms of technology too much.  It's perfect for keeping in touch with mates who live a long way away, getting to know new people who would never have been brought into your life, and for a quick "hello I'm thinking of you", but what it doesn't and can never replace is a friendship that offers someone the time to talk when they're in need of support.  That voice that says "I'm here and I care and what you're going through matters."

Support used to be about listening to someone either over the phone or physically being there to show them that you care.  Now it can be about a quick "how's it going?" text or online message, and a clear conscience that you've done something to help.  I don't know what you, the reader feels, but in my experience being physically alone with no one to talk to creates a huge gap in which all your fears and uncertainties meet up to have a field day.

Being There

Yet if a friend turns up, as one of mine did last week, it's as if the sun has come out and even though you don't need them to do anything there is such a strengthening feeling of not being alone with 'all this'.

However, when you're too much trouble or people are asking how much help you need with a viewpoint to getting away with as little as possible because of the pressures of their life, or you're just getting that quick conscience cleansing text or message, you are reminded how vital that human contact is by the people who still have the courage to provide it.

There are times I can't do enough for the people I love, due to pressures in my own life I had to issue a heartfelt and sincere apology to a friend just this week because I haven't been able to phone her or visit her as I would wish to.  She knows what's going on and brushed it off by apologising in turn for being unable to support me.  However, she deserved that apology and she received it, and now she knows that I want to do so much more because I told her.  If someone says "I'll come now" the feeling those words create is like several million in the bank!

Here are few suggestions to help everyone reconnect:

The question "do you need me to...?" should be avoided at all costs, if your offer of help is sincere phrase it as "I'm on my way" not a question that provides an escape route.  Your friend/loved one can still say no but at least they know you definitely would come.

If they've had a difficult time, such as a bereavement, turn up if you can.  Take flowers and when they open the door tell them you're not here to intrude you just wanted to say you're sorry and deliver these personally. that way they can say thank you and shut the door or invite you in if they need the company.

Texting on a daily basis is kind, but a follow up phone call and the offer to listen is worth a great deal more.

Sometimes getting outside your own problems in order to support others can provide a rest from your own worries, give you the feeling that you're not alone and maybe not even the unluckiest person you know, and remind you that you are a worthwhile human being.  So a problem shared is a healing and connecting experience.

Maybe you could even take someone out for the day, buy them coffee or lunch, or sit with their problem whilst they take a rare two hours out to breathe in some fresh air and maybe have a hair cut.  I know we need social care because so many people work full time, but should we really need our friends and family to have 2 hours respite support in a week when we could go?

Think about the weekends.  When my father was dying we lived a long way away and couldn't give mum anywhere near the support we wanted to, but we discovered that if we went up for a whole weekend it took a lot of pressure off mum and gave dad a change of faces and someone else to talk to.  So in the end we had an agreement with Mum, you call and we'll come for the weekend.  I think it helped.

Think outside the box.  Can you send flowers or chocolates?  What would the person appreciate?  In what ways could you help:  theatre tickets, film tickets, sitting with someone, books, paying for a haircut or a facial, buying your friend/family a sauna day and being on hand so that they can go.  There is so much we can do.

Most of all, remember that "being there for someone" is preceded by the words "being there".  It's not always possible if you live a long way away, but a voice on a phone is a presence and most of us can make a phone call.

If you're a friend you are a valuable part of someone's life and they of yours, it's about time we all got back to the old ways.  Be there or leave a gap that will be filled with loneliness and isolation.

Deb Hawken
Author of "Who am I, Where am I, What is This Place?" coming soon

The Implant Miscommunication

Who am I, Where am I, What is this Place?
Out Spring 2014 

Communication is probably the hardest thing we humans undertake and many are better at understanding and loving their animals than they will ever be with another human being.

A good example, at my expense of course, would be the implant miscommunication of earlier this week.  I had been to the dentist to have the moulds taken so that my new crowns could be manufactured and finally the December eek and February gunk would result in two shiny new crowns and the ability to chew my food properly for the first time in 20 years!

My dentist, being incredibly thorough and precise, has to take a photograph of your jaw where the implants are to go so that the dental technician making the crowns has as much information to go on as possible in order to get them perfect - James Main (dentist) doesn't work with okay or even right, only perfect.  James took 4 photographs of my jaw and luckily I repaired to the bathroom to relieve myself of 2 hours in a dentist's chair before I left for home, because he'd forgotten to put the SD card in the camera!

When I came home I thought it would be a good idea to give everyone a giggle so I put a post on my page to the effect of "what kind of dentist forgets to put the SD card in his camera when he photographs your implants?"  Well I have a few wags on my friends list and of course one of them thought implants rather than metal screws in the jaw and just had to ask why my dentist was photographing those implants.  He was worried afterwards that he offended me and I told him he didn't but not that I choked on my drink when I realised what I'd said.  What a giggle!

Sadly though miscommunication isn't always a giggle and getting the right words to convey the right meaning can be very difficult, particularly on social networking sites.

As a life coach and inspirational author and speaker words are my business, and I have to say that over the years of my life and through the hurt people I have tried to help I have concluded that the pen might be mightier than the sword but words are far more cutting than any murderous implement could ever be.  One can slice off limbs and pierce your gizzards and that usually ends in death, whereas unkind words harshly spoken can pierce you to the depths of your heart and soul and although you will live you may never ever make a recovery, not only that, everyone who knows you will spend the rest of their life suffering from your sensitivity towards certain subjects.  Not unexpect, not unfair in many circumstances, but still hard for everyone concerned.  I know many a new love who's spent the first couple of years of the new relationship healing the wounds of the previous ones.

I don't need to tell you that of course because we're all victims of the past and we've all been hurt. However, it is something that needs not just a lot of discussion but a great deal of thought and soul searching.  Because as much as we are all victims of the past, we are also the perpetrators who have affected the present that creates the hurt past of other people.  I doubt if there is one truly innocent human being alive (who can communicate) who hasn't at one time of another spoken their mind when they should have cut their tongue out.  Unfortunately the tongue is the sword of the mind which is the verabliser of the hurt feelings that result in permanent injury by an object that would be better used counting teeth and checking fillings!

Of course the most common cause of miscommunication is disagreement over a point of view.  We hear all the time that "I am entitled to my opinion" and yet there are wounded feelings and buckets of tearful consternation when someone else disagrees.  Note that the term we tend to use is disagreeing rather than "verbalising their own opinion to which they have the same right as anyone else".  You see the conundrum with which we are faced.  Entitlement versus disagreement, right versus wrong.

All this is the result of differing attitudes and viewpoints that result in hurt feelings because A does not have B's belief therefore A has made B wrong, and most human beings find it very hard to be wrong in the eyes of another.  You can't trust that B can you!

The trouble is that no matter how hard we all try to communicate at the moment there are still upsets.  One reason for this is that we are only now emerging from the Age of Pisces, the Age of Conflict, and it could take humanity another decade or seventy (thousand) to lose our defensiveness and move to a place where we don't need to be entitled to our opinion because the global opinion is kindness and respect for other living beings manifested by 'what can I do to help and support you?'

I always believe that a blog such as this, which points out a problem, should end with positive ideas for a resolution of that problem, but I will admit that I'm beaten.

I try very hard to communicate clearly and kindly but still somehow have misunderstandings.  I bite my tongue as hard as I can when I see unkindness, assumptions or prejudice of any kind, but find it hard to remain silent when I know beyond a shadow of doubt that humanity needs to change and that people have to start feeling that truth and every moment that we don't someone else gets hurt.

I started a page on Facebook called The Campaign for Kindness (DebHKindnessSpace) where I try to promote as much kindness and understanding as I can, for the simple reason that it is the only way forwards that I can see.  If our only creed, religion, nationality or belief was kindness then hurting each other would have to stop and stop now.

It won't happen in my lifetime of that I'm sure, but I sincerely believe that if we don't start trying to change things now then the end result will move further and further away.  When you consider how long amazing and kind people such as Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha, Martin Luther King, Gandhi, Nelson Mandela, Mother Teresa and so on have been trying to change things and how relatively stuck we all still are, you will realise that urgent action is required now to turn this into a world that we want our children to live in.

I wish I could offer a solution but I can't.  I can only suggest two things:

• That we bring kindness to the forefront of our minds and do our utmost to be kind as often as we can.  
• That we do our utmost to lose the fear of being wrong.

We won't succeed because we're the forerunners of the New World Age, the Age of Aquarius, the Age of the Higher Mind, but as forerunners we can get started and try to make this world a better place for future generations.

How many more people have to die in wars or have their feelings shattered for life before we realise that we don't need to be right we only need to be fearlessly kind?

Escape from Unhappiness

It's that time of year again when thoughts turn to new year's resolutions and people begin to wonder what they want to happen next year.  What do they want to change?  How do they want that to happen?  How quickly will they forget that they made a resolution and when will it dawn on them that another year has passed and nothing much has changed?  Probably about the same time you're realising that once again you've almost left it too late to post the Christmas cards.

I'm not a believer in new year resolutions, or indeed any resolution.  I am a believer in total, permanent change beginning from within.

For me a lot of things such as giving up smoking, losing weight, cutting down on alcohol, not buying things you don't need, etc., are symptomatic of an unsettled inner world.  If you started smoking as a dare who were you trying to please?  If you were rebelling why was that, and why are you still rebelling?  Do you drink to dull the pain of the day or life?  Do you shop to fill gaps in your life and clothes and stuff give you a temporary respite from the grinding reality of your every day life?  If you're in the wrong job or career, what were the decisions that got you to this uncomfortable point in your life, and are you in fact making better decisions nowadays?

These are the sort of questions I ask and why I prefer to begin the process of change a step beneath the surface of everyday life, in the truth.  Everyone has a truth and many people are aware that the real them doesn't see daylight.

Do you find yourself playing imaginary conversations in your head where you answer back, or make that killer point in the argument rather than standing their dumbstruck and agreeing with everything you disagree with?  Do you find yourself looking at the people in your life thinking "if only you knew the real me?" but never standing up and introducing them to that person?  Do you sit at work knowing that you were meant for better things than this, and then go out and job hunt for something exactly the same because it's part of your skill set?

The point is that if you really want to bring about meaningful change in your life that is real, permanent and effective you will need to find your inner truth and start living it and you can only do that by being it.

This means that you never again from this moment say yes when you mean no, agree with something you disagree with, or believe that the life you're living is the sum total of everything you're capable of.  Expunge the word 'deserve' from your life and don't deal with it.  There is no deserve (I sound like Yoda), there is only a life to be lived in the best way possible.

There is no rule that you have to be as unhappy as you can as often as possible, that good luck belongs to some people and not others, that success belongs to those born into money (try telling Richard Branson and Alan Sugar that!), or that fortune favours the brave.  Fortune favours the truthful, the determined, and those who don't quit!

So yes, please protect your health by stopping smoking and eating well, get another job if that's really the answer rather than a continuation of the same rut, cut down on comfort shopping, do whatever it takes to make the surface calmer.  But if you really want to live the life of your dreams then you must acknowledge what those dreams are and let the real you out into the daylight, and you can only do that be being fearlessly, determindly, truthfully yourself.

And never limit your power to daydream.  Happy thoughts are the quickest way to bring about deep internal change for the better.

Wishing you happy days, peaceful nights, and real change for the better

Deb Hawken
Author of "Who am I, Where am I, What is this Place?"
Out Spring 2014, email me to put your name on the pre-order notification list deb@debhawken.com

The Existence of Negativity as Sometimes Misrepresented in Yin Versus Yang

I have one of those plasticised cards that describes Yin and Yang thus:

"The dualistic world of Yin/Yang is not seen as good versus bad.  Yang, represented by the white represents the creative principle, While Yin, represented by black, represents dissolution and return (to creation).  The forces are believed to be cyclical, moving and evolving into each other, represented by the white dot in black and the black dot in the white.  Yin and Yang can transform into one another just as night turns into day, thus symbolising the transition of opposites.  It is a Taoist symbol of the interplay of forces in the Universe."

Before we really get into it, some things, such as a death, are very hard to deal with and the how of it happening can be horrific as we all know.  Although I could try to apply some logic here I'm not going to because death is something we just have to cope with as best we can and it defies all logic and common sense.  All I can say is that if you're struggling at this time my heart goes out to you and I send you love and support to deal with it.  I just wanted to make it very clear that I'm not going there and death isn't part of this conversation.

This description really surprised me because when I was first introduced to Yin/Yang I was told that Yin was female and negative and Yang was male and positive, a sexist description that this modern world of ours really needs.

The other misunderstanding around Yin and Yang is that it represents negative and positive, and of course the translation in western society of negative and positive is often 'right' and 'wrong'.

We are lovingly scolded in positive thinking books for negative thinking, something that must be expunged, we not-so-lovingly tell each other off for negative thinking which drags other people down and definitely gets in the way of cosmic ordering and all that is good.  "Well what do they expect, they are such a negative thinker, it's not a wonder that everything goes wrong for them."

I wanted to look at negativity because we need to get it into perspective, especially in human thinking and relationships.  Firstly, by thinking about what negativity actually is.

For a start it's a word that we have given meaning and that meaning has an element of 'attraction' about it. You will often hear people say that we attract the negative, that it's down to our attitude that negative things happen.  It can sound and feel like a real blame game, which is of course a losers game.

 If you apply the word to a magnet it means that there are two poles and one without the other would not work.  However, that is not a bad thing,  It just is.  As the positive pole of the magnet just is.  Neither good nor bad, just the way a magnet works.  If you look at it in these terms positivity and negativity is a team situation that creates something useful.  If, however, you apply it to life you need to be very careful - for the sake of your sanity and coping skills.

So, I want to get you thinking about deciding for yourself what the word negative means and where you will choose to apply it, because being in a negative situation can feel like a punishment, especially if you have a period when everything seems to go wrong at once and you're wondering what the heck you did to deserve all this and why the Universe has it in for you.  This feeling can create such distress and unhappiness in you that you find it hard to see the good when it returns, as it normally does, and may accidentally trap yourself in a loop where you yourself create more unhappiness.  Seeing the light when it returns is critical to healing.

Do you feel that when a person is unkind to you that this is negative and you have attracted it?  Or would it be better to think of this in terms of extremely bad behaviour by a person who is not choosing to handle things in the best possible way with as much courtesy as possible?  We all have a choice how we handle difficult situations and if someone chooses to come to you in a way that is rude and disrespectful that is a choice.

Is a car accident a force of negativity, or is it a moment's inattention or misjudging of speed, distance or width, that everyone could have done without?  Or maybe an angry and aggressive person in charge of a car?

Is having horrible people in your life such as bosses, people who call themselves friends, and a proportion of social networking engagees a negative situation or a simple case of you staying put when things are not working?  The same goes for a job/career that you dislike.  Have you stumbled into negativity or inactivity?

I could go on, but just get into the habit of when something happens defining for yourself whether it is this ephemeral creation of the human psyche called negativity or whether it is a life event that can be dealt with.

Why?

Partly because I am questioning the idea that certain forms of what are known as negativity (unkindness, violence, war, aggression, gossip, spite, etcetera)  have to exist.  Do they really?  Is there a rule that says there must be negativity?  Is it true that we cannot appreciate the good without the bad, happiness without unhappiness and so on?  I can tell you beyond a shadow of doubt that I would have had no trouble appreciating happiness, abundance and joy if negativity did not exist.  Okay, I might not have known that I was happy but most certainly I would have been happy.

AND because your attitude is everything and the more positive your attitude the better your life will be, therefore the less you think about negativity and the more you think about solving difficulties the less negativity there will be in your psyche and therefore your life.  Rudeness will be rudeness, that's one negative gone, accidents will be accidents, there goes another, and so on.

If we wish to evolve as a race and bring about peace, harmony and abundance for all, the belief that there has to be bad in the world needs to diminish so that in turn we diminish the bad.

Let's Yin that negativity!

Deb

How Long Has it Been?

It's a long, long time since I visited this blog and added anything to it, but that's for good reason, I am actually writing my book and I have a publisher interested in it.

Although it isn't great that I haven't blogged, what has been fantastic is that this is clearly the right time for the book, the structure is there, the words are there, and the love of writing is there.

I wanted to share this because for many years I've pushed myself to do things that I believe I should do, worrying why I don't, pondering whether the time is right, freaking out and wondering whether the time would EVER be right, and feeling a complete failure.  Yet when the time was right I was right there raring and ready to go!

I wanted to share this because I know that a lot of people have a dream yet find ways to avoid achieving that dream, and then worry themselves silly that they will procrastinate forever and never achieve anything.

I want to say to you if you are one of these people, stop worrying now!  The only thing you need to be scared of is if you let go of the dream, as long as you think about it, visualise it and believe in it, that dream will come in and you will achieve whatever it is you're dreaming of.

All you really need to ask yourself is - do I really want it?  As long as the answer is a resounding, doubtless, YES then you have nothing to worry about and just need to keep working towards manifesting the dream with plenty of happy daydreaming and regular visualisation.

One thing with this book was I never gave up on the dream and the dream never gave up on me, and if something is meant to happen then the dream will be a part of your very existence and you will do whatever it is when the time is right, the people to help are there, and the ducks are all in a row (and facing the same direction).

Dream on (and don't quit)

Deb Hawken
Doing after all the dreaming!
And author of "Who am I, Where am I, What is this Place?"
Email deb@debhawken.com to pre order the book, out Spring 2014

Think of Yourself as a Car (Spirituality and Everyday Life Can Mix!)

Think of yourself as a car. 

You have wheels to move, doors you can close to keep you warm and safe. Gears you can change to get you up even the steepest hill. A steering wheel to guide you and breaks to slow you down and stop you. 

You have an on board satnav, or satnag if you don't listen to it, and you can programme a direction into the satnav or you can drive aimlessly, constantly getting lost and disoriented and never finding your desired destination. 

You have a fantastic engine and are a masterpiece of engineering, which if kept happy and relaxed can run for decades and travel all over the world having fun. 

You have a large boot/trunk behind you where you can either store holiday gear or a load of rubbish that ought to be taken to a dump and disposed of. It will slow you down and make even the smallest hills difficult if you don't. 

You can use windscreen wipers when the weather is bad and maintain a clear direction no matter what. Or you can let the windows get dirty and drive blindly hoping not to hit anything, drive off the road or miss your dreams completely. 

You can be a sports car, a four wheeled drive that goes over rocks and up inclines and barely notices, a nippy little city car, or a rusting old heap that its driver doesn't care about. 

You can be all shiny and polished or dull, dusty and rusty You can run like a dream, or you can jerk along firing on only three cylinders, loaded up with cheap fuel unsuitable for your needs. 

You have windows to look out of that can be clear and shiny, or dusty and muddy if you don't keep them clean. Except for a couple of blind spots, they give you all round vision. But you need to remember that you only look backwards when you reverse into a nice space somewhere you want yo
Park for a while. You only look sideways if you want to see life passing you by. Using the windscreen and looking forward is the only way to get to the great places life has to offer. 

So what can cause problems in the running of this car called you?

Listening to back seat drivers, letting your partner in the front seat play with the controls, or letting loads of other people drive your car when they don't care about it the way you do. 

Think of yourself as your absolutely favourite shiny, expensive, desired and admired car in the perfect colour. Add in a few extras such as a 6th gear, four wheeled drive, a small boot/trunk where you can only keep good stuff, off road tyres, sports tyres, all weather tyres, and air conditioning. 

Change up and down gears according to the needs of the car. Know when to brake and when to accelerate, and be in cruise control as often as you can. Change your tyres according to the conditions. Programme your satnav yourself. Have the driving seat coded only to you. Never give anyone you don't trust absolutely the key to your car. Only use the best quality fuel. And put on the aircon as soon as things warm up. 

Point forwards, be observant, choose your first destination, and start moving towards it. 

Deb Hawken
Sleek, sporty, well equipped, much loved, four wheel drive enabled, key well protected. Windows clean, aircon on, music blasting out of the speakers. No interfering passengers. And we're off.

Spirituality for All?

Writers are about words, blogs are about words, and life is about words.  As we know "The pen is mightier than the sword" (Edward Bulwer-Lytton) because words create more wounds in life than weapons ever have, despite the millions who have died at the wrong end of various weapons in various wars.

Wars that happen because never are words more damaging than when they're used to create a cause, add rules to it, and then exclude those who don't conform.  In reality the world is full of one race - humanity - with different skin colours as our own inbuilt sun protection factor, with no religion and no real borders other than the sea (and we can use boats, bridges and planes to get across that).  Everything that we are in this day and age, prejudices, beliefs, religions, has been added on top of the family of humanity by men using words in order to create power bases.

Nowadays many people have stepped outside the structure of religion and either think very little about Spirituality or try to find their own with varying levels of success.  All helped, or not depending on your viewpoint, by a Spiritual field with very little structure that does have rules which change depending on who you're talking to, because those rules have never been written down and are not formal.

Yes, there are organisations who have created a structure and have formalised their Spiritual beliefs into something specific, and the ones I can find seem to be mainly based around the idea of the existence of the Spirit World.  But is that what Spirituality actually is?

I don't know.  Oh...sorry...were you expecting a definitive answer?

You might find it odd that I'm not prepared to tell you exactly what I believe in, why I'm right.  You might be wondering what the point of this blog is?

I believe one thing, that this world should have no barriers and no walls, no specified territories, no excluding religions beliefs, and no prejudices.  But it does.  Even to this day, in this apparently enlightened day-and-age,  people still seem to need to don a uniform of some description, ascribe to a belief, and then declare that's who they are.  Not all people, but the need to belong is still out there.

Because if my beliefs I don't want to describe myself as anything other than a member of the human race.  To me this means that everyone is my sibling, everyone is a part of me, and everyone matters.

I'm well aware that there are people in this world that make you wonder how on earth such evil was ever created and why, and I'm no blinkered do-gooder that can't see that.  However, it doesn't alter the fact that I do not believe that there is any difference between me and any, shall we say normal (as in those with no criminal intentions) person anywhere.

As such I've chosen a word that I do my utmost to use to guide my life, and that is kindness.  Yes I would say that I have Spiritual beliefs, yes I do believe that there is a Spirit World and that's where our loved ones, friends and pets 'retire' to wait for us in a better place.  Yes I do believe in a Source energy that some would call God, and why not.  It's a good word.

What I don't believe is in drawing a line around myself that creates a difference between me and anyone I meet.  When I meet new people I try to find out who they are.  Can we blend?  Can we enjoy being together?  Is there honesty in the relationship.  I don't ask for perfection because I've been looking for 56 years and haven't found it yet - including in the mirror (smile).

I just try to find out if I can be kind to them, they can be kind to me, and we can be there for each other.

So, the message is, that if you're a person seeking a point to your life and you're becoming confused by all the options you're offered to belong to, and all the rules within the options:  such as money and success being bad things and you're not allowed to enjoy your work without being 'unspiritual' even though your company employs many people and allows them to survive in a world that runs on money.  Stop looking outside yourself and start looking within.

Look at when you feel happy and when you don't.  Look at how you want to feel, and how you want others to feel around you.  Those sorts of things.  And anything you attempt to join that doesn't feel right, leave without a backward glance or a smidgen of guilt.

Kindness is a difficult emotion because people feel that others think it equals weakness, but nothing could be further from the truth (more on that on the next blog).  If you remember that kindness must be exhibited towards yourself as well as others, you will become a person that people just enjoy being around, and when that happens you will be able to form links within the family of human-kind wherever you are.

Your kindness will seek out injustice and encourage you to do something about things that you feel are wrong, and you will have all the reason for being here that you could ever wish.

In other words, don't necessarily look for an organisation to create a sense of belonging in you or purpose for your life, look into your heart and at what needs doing.

Deb Hawken
07912 374226, deb@debhawken.com, www.debhawken.com
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Deb Hawken's Musings: The Meaning of Life

Deb Hawken's Musings: The Meaning of Life: The Meaning of Life There comes a time in most lives that the meaning of your existence suddenly becomes an issue.  Why you jog along f...

The Meaning of Life

The Meaning of Life

There comes a time in most lives that the meaning of your existence suddenly becomes an issue.  Why you jog along for umpteen years not giving a second thought to why you're here, if you came here for a reason and what that reason might be I do not know.  I just know that the questions "there must be more to life than this?" and/or "what am I supposed to do with this life?" have reared their heads in the lives of a lot of the people I have met and worked with.

There Must be More to Life Than This!

The answer to this conundrum could be said to depend on whether or not you believe in the existence of the life hereafter, but I don't think that belief is actually important.

If you've come to the point that getting up, going to work, having a few breaks, coming home, eating, watching TV and then sleeping isn't enough, you don't have to change your beliefs in order to find something more.

Anyone can find something to do with their life if they will.  You could change your career to something you feel is more worthwhile; you could take your role into a company that does something or provide something that helps people, animals or the planet.  You could take up volunteering in the evenings or at weekends; you could support a charity; you could get into local government.  

Anything that matters to you can be added to your life without having to decide whether or not you believe there is a Spirit World.

Making a Decision

Even if you do believe that we are Spiritual beings originating from and/or returning to a Spirit World you will still need to make a decision as to how you are going to make your life worthwhile and meaningful for you.

A lot of people believe that they came here with a purpose and somehow, magically, they will be shown what they need to know, and you will, but if you're not out there actively looking and trying things you may very well miss the message.

It is true that the Spirit World has given me clear directions no less than half a dozen times whilst I was sitting in my living room, however, that certainly isn't true of everyone I meet and I still need to go out there and make the changes they suggested happen.

I'm also told by my Guide that ultimately it is our life not theirs and if we change our minds and pick a different direction we will not be struck by lightening providing we're doing some good for someone or something somewhere.  

So if you do struggle to intuit your higher purpose remember that the only person you have to be able to face in a mirror is you!  The Spirit World won't rain down hell and damnation because you became a healer and helped a thousand people instead of becoming a Medium and helping a thousand and fifty.  The only person who will do that is you.

Just Do Something!

If you find it hard to get guidance from the Spirit World, or don't believe that guidance exists, just go outside your house and do something, anything.  Meet new people, find new interests, think about the things you see on the news that you would like to do something about.  

Once you begin investigating the possibilities you will find the thing that calls to your heart and you can guarantee that will be the right thing for you to do.

Measure Your Happiness

That's all you need to do.  Everything we attempt will have a degree of frustration or stress at times, but if essentially you are very happy with what you're doing and there are no quiet niggles at the back of your mind that something isn't right, you are doing fine and you don't need to change a thing.  Until your mind starts telling you that you need to tweak your course a little!

Live With or Without Meaning

It's entirely up to you, but in my experience if you want meaning then your life will only have meaning if you give it meaning.

P.S.

If you're entirely comfortable in your life don't worry about any of this, there are no rules that every human being has to do something with their life.  

There is no rule that says being the parent of offspring isn't a fantastic thing to do and equals a life well lived.  You may have just raised the person who is going to cure cancer or create a lasting world peace.  

So if you feel OK then everything is OK, and it isn't anyone else's job to judge you and your life, only you need to feel completely at peace with who you are and what you do.

If The 'Voice' Speaks You Will Know

You will, I promise, and if it does speak - listen.  No one needs to be bored or feel useless or pointless as long as they have the courage to take a leap of faith, explore a little, meet a few new people, and get their head out of whatever box it's been packaged in during their upbringing.

You have everything within you to do whatever you need to do, so if you feel you want to do more the world is your oyster!

42

All "Hitch Hikers" will understand that the computer decided that the meaning of life is 42 in the wonderful series "The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy", but I don't think the computer knew what it was doing <smile>.

Wishing you happy days, peaceful nights, and a life purpose if you need one.

Deb

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RIP Baroness Thatcher

I was going to put this on my Campaign for Kindness page as a post, but it kind of grew and grew so I turned it into a blog.

So...

As this is a page about kindness it would seem reasonable to try to examine the events surrounding the death of Baroness Thatcher and see what can be learnt.

Like many I was extremely upset to see some of the truly vile and unkind comments about her passing, comments that paid no heed to her children and grandchildren and those who knew the woman rather than the Prime Minister.

However, let's use kindness to review this situation.

Firstly, David Rowan the Astrologer helped me to see that people were expressing a long buried anger created by a lot of hurt.  That helped me to understand their viewpoint better even if I couldn't personally condone the unkindness.  Let's face it, I run this page so it would be pretty two-faced if I could.

Secondly, there was a lot of talk about what she did to whom, with only a little talk about the entire situation and her whole legacy.  What we can learn from this is that kindness asks us to be as informed as possible and take the whole situation into consideration.  The whole is the sum of the parts but the parts alone can never be a whole no matter how much we would wish it otherwise.

What is clear that what happens to 'me' in our society still has prevalence over the whole.  We still need to be a bit more Star Trek "the good of the many outweighs the good of the few or the one."

Then think about cause and effect, Baroness Thatcher was responding at the beginning not to a situation of her making but to a situation that was nonetheless in existence.  We often forget that when we take an action there will be a reaction, and to paraphrase Sir Isaac Newton "an equal and opposite reaction."  So the message here is that we need to be aware of what we're doing and that we might not get the result we desire.    You cannot set an angry or hurtful action in process and think that you can control the outcome, you can't.  I think Mrs T. wouldn't be that surprised about recent events because she knew that she often took hard and unpopular decisions and stood by that.

Then there's the whole "People in glass houses" scenario.  What she did she did on the world stage, what the not-so-famous do is normally done behind closed doors so they get away with it.  Whenever we are critical of others we need to ask what have we done that caused hurt?  You might say that there are levels of hurt and she took the biscuit, but would the people you have hurt agree with that?

Then there are the people trying to defend her, of which I was one.  An action created for the best of reasons borne out of the shock of seeing so much hatred.  I think we used a lot of energy and achieved very little.  I doubt that we changed one single mind.  My lesson from this has been that I will ensure that I put my positive energy somewhere that it will be welcomed, and the rest I will try to achieve by example and gentle teaching.  (Mind you, I learn a lot about people and my work from these situations so I have to look at them, I will use my reaction differently next time.)

What about being British?  We used to be a stiff-upper-lip kind of race respected for our low key approach.  We saw that crack upon the death of Diana and I think that a lot of us are examining at the moment whether we should wear our hearts on our social networking sleeves quite so much.  For me I feel that emotional restraint is key to helping the people around you to be more comfortable and allowing them to BE.  Sharing of opinions is all very well, but it's how you share rather than whether you share that indicates who you are, and how kind you are.

For Spiritual people we might at times feel 'right' when others are perceived as being in a complete mess, but I would beg us all to remember that some people literally do not know what they do not know.  Spirituality and Spiritual living is so natural to us we forget that there are people for whom cosmic order, karma, moving forwards, letting go of anger and hurt, etc., are not discussed.  I came from a family who had no clue about anything I've learnt on this path and we must, must, must remember that.

However, and even more MUST, we must get out there and share more.  I have been saying in Spiritual churches for a long time that the messages we receive aren't just for us, we need to share them more with others.  Going every week for the healing of these lovely services is one thing, but sharing a little here and a little there whenever you can respectfully and appropriately do so is critical to other people beginning to know that there is something they don't know.  They won't pick up the life learning messages as we do if they haven't heard the voice.

Then building on the past.  Yes mistakes were made but a lot of good was also done.  Certainly there has been some learning but not enough, so maybe this explosion of past hurt will be helpful in making our current crop of MPs think more carefully about what they're doing.  Good could come from this yet.

A human being, because that's what she was.  She did her best, we may not have agreed with that best but it would have been the best she had - think about it, the whole world was watching her!

She was a person of her times, affected by events, by her past, changed from an innocent by her upbringing and life experience.  And like everyone else you will ever meet she wasn't all bad and she wasn't all to blame.  Your children could one day scream at you about how you ruined their lives, just be grateful that won't happen on the world stage and it will only be a couple of children not a million disaffected voters.  What we've learnt from this situation is that people will still believe that they are 'right' and someone else is 'wrong' but that's rarely the case.  If you have the courage, and the kindness, always look at yourself and try to be honest about how you got involved in the first place.

Holding on to anger and bitterness is like taking poison and waiting for someone else to die, some people did that and it happened, but what have the years of being so angry done to and for them.  There are young people swearing and cursing about her, clearly furiously angry, and they weren't even alive when she came to power.  They have learnt the hurt and anger, which means that they have carried a hurt and anger that had nothing to do with them.  Yes, job losses will have affected their quality of life significantly, but our beliefs say that it is up to adults to always mitigate the hurt for young people and teach them to battle against their challenges and win rather than battle a past that cannot be successfully fought.  That's what parents do, heal hurt and build strength and determination.  Perhaps we can learn that too.

I could go on because I think the learning opportunities from this situation are huge, but I will sum it up now.

1.  No I don't think I've converted anyone to a path of less anger with this, and I wasn't trying to do so.

2.  It's become very obvious that there is a lack of respect for the viewpoints of others and that some people do not mind being cruel and don't care if they cause a great deal of hurt as long as they can speak their mind.  A wise person will allow them to do so and turn away, but they will not give up the quest for kindness and they will demonstrate that through happiness and success, and most importantly sharing a gentle truth whenever requested to do so.

3.  We can only lead by example, but we must ensure that we are an example and not fooling ourselves that we're doing better than we are.  We can only truly share happiness and make it attractive if we are attractively happy.

4.  Where you can help with anger, do so.  If someone will listen share your ideas for releasing anger with them.  Do whatever you can to encourage them onto the path of kindness, respectfully.

5.  Kindness cannot be beaten by any of this.  It will always exist, and one day I sincerely believe that kindness will be victorious.

6.  Think today of all the people who have lost a loved one recently, not just Baroness Thatcher's family.

Wishing you happy days and peaceful nights

Deb

I Feel Betrayed

It's a horrible feeling when you trust people and they let you down, you hover somewhere between anger and despair, and wondering what on earth you did to deserve this kind of treatment.

You play a variety of sound tracks in your mind where you tell them exactly what you think of them, but may find it hard to voice your feelings especially if you're angry and don't feel able to express that anger in a positive way that doesn't make things a million times worse.  Especially if your protagonist uses temper as a shut-you-up device.

Or you may be dealing with someone who traditionally pays lip-service to everything you say and then carries on doing exactly as they've always done and you're not supposed to notice.  This leaves you hovering, again, between anger and complete disbelief that either they think you're so stupid you haven't noticed or they so completely disrespect you that they don't care whether you've noticed.

I hate these situations myself because I too find it difficult to react to behaviour that I don't understand that leaves me questioning myself, but I've learnt to trust myself and to know whether I have in some way contributed towards this or it's mainly all about them and their world view.

I also have considerable problems with hurting another person even if I don't like their behaviour, mainly because I don't expect anyone to conform to my world-view or always meet only my needs.  This is especially true when you consider the difference between what you think is happening and  the way someone else views the same thing, which can be even more different than chalk and cheese.

We've all been there and we've all had successes and failures.  Successful communication is, of course, no problem, but what about the times when a) you fail and b) you're left facing a person who really doesn't care for you or respect you sufficiently to stop hurting you?  Painful times.

Obviously you should walk away, but when that person is family or a colleague then even if you can minimise your time with them you may still find being in the same room as them almost unbearable and feel as if they're laughing at you all the time.  Not a pleasant feeling.

Self confidence is a difficult thing to achieve, but if you can get to the point that you like and respect yourself then the first thing you will notice is that the respect of others isn't so critical to you.  Yes of course you would prefer to be respected and liked, but if you can't achieve that happy situation then it won't wobble your view of yourself. 

If you find that someone doesn't treat you well the first question you should ask yourself is "how do I view them?"  Do you respect them?  Do you like them?  Is their behaviour always kind and acceptable towards others as well as towards you?  Are they good communicators willing to discuss and listen, or are they always right and everyone else in the world is an idiot who's missed the point?  You get my drift.

Because before you worry about someones attitude towards you, you need to work out your attitude towards them.  If you can base this not just on the treatment they dish out to you but the way they treat others as well you may identify that this is about who they are and not just who you are.

'Me' means that you are certain you didn't start or ask for this situation, 'not me' is when you review the other persons' behaviour and conclude that it's something to do with them and how they're feeling and not about you.

This is something that many parents don't teach, probably because they weren't taught it themselves.  That you are allowed to assess behaviour towards you before you come to the conclusion that  you are wrong.  In fact it's critical that you do this.

We are all wrong at times, sometimes completely so and other times it's easy to see where two different ways of thinking, world views, or emotional situations have unwittingly collided and created a mess.  The decent and honourable person will always be able to reflect on their role in a situation and discuss it with the other people involved.  

However, if it isn't all about you then you should expect a joint apology scenario.  If you always land up admitting your part in it only to be met with "well I hope you've learnt your lesson this time" or some such slap in the face, there is definitely something awry.

So the moral of the story is, you've tried to communicate, you've acknowledge and apologised when you are wrong and still you cannot repair this relationship.  So you will take the next step then and look at this person's treatment of everyone around them, not just you.  If you can conclude that they don't treat anyone very well and their treatment of you is in line with or similar to the way they treat others, then you are safe to decide that this person does not get to judge you and find you wanting.

If you must remain in the same setting as them then simply be quiet around them, engage in conversation as little as possible, and remember that only people you respect are allowed to rattle you. 

If they are a boss or a colleague don't get drawn into their games, speak your piece quietly and firmly and stop speaking when you've said what you need to say.  If necessary job hunt and leave.  This isn't a defeat, there is no commonsense in staying somewhere you are unhappy and in a situation you are unable to repair.

If they are family then you may have to see them, but "does anyone want a drink, I'm making them?" is a very good way to leave a room.  It is especially effective if you allow someone to be unkind, don't reply to them, let a little silence develop and then duck out to the toilet or to make that drink.  It leaves their behaviour as the last thing that happens in the room and you haven't even had to say a word.

Think about these things, be aware that you are not always wrong, that you must take a considered viewpoint of the behaviour of others before you apportion blame to yourself, and that you are allowed to feel that you don't respect or like someones behaviour.  It is OK.  

We can't get on with everyone all the time, and there are some people you can't get on with ever, but a realist knows that they will not base their personal opinion of themselves on the viewpoint of someone they do not like or respect.  And you are allowed to feel that.

Wishing you happy days, peaceful nights, and buckets of self-realism.

Deb
www.debhawken.com

Nothing To Do With Me

How often have you been in difficult situations in life leading to conflict with others and felt completely baffled as to what is going on?  People have turned on you for seemingly no reason talking to others about you behind your back, or you’ve taken a new job and the boss or your colleagues aren’t welcoming towards you.

You’ve probably felt like a victim, wondering why you, why these people are turning on you when all you’ve ever tried to do is make friends and have a happy time.  Or very, very angry and unfairly treated.

Sadly the victim mentality actually hinders your ability to sort things out.  All the time your mind is occupied with “It’s so unfair” it isn’t occupied with listening, watching and sifting information in order to get to the bottom of things.

The angry mentality won’t serve you either because the moment a person feels attacked they will attack back or you can spend hours in a tit-for-tat situation trading insults and accusations.  Which usually only leads to loss of mutual respect, possibly tears, and a bad throat from all the yelling.  Not to mention stress levels that would register on the earthquake monitoring system.

The hardest thing is to recognise your part in what is happening, and the even harder thing to do is to do so without blaming yourself, your past, your parents, and anyone else who might have at some point been in your life.  Working with fault and blame is a waste of time and energy that does nothing to resolve situations.

So what can you do?

When I first put my feet on the Spiritual path I did not do so as the Psychic Medium, writer and inspirational speaker I am now.  Instead I joined at the dawning of Spiritual enlightenment stage.

I was close to coming apart because I was living a life so horrendously unsuited to me that I didn’t know where to turn in order to escape it.  Enter my friend and mentor Keith Macfarlane who listened to all my angst and then quietly informed me that a) I was drawing these lessons to me and b) I didn’t need to think the way I did.

I liked the thinking differently part but I have to say that I was a bit miffed by the whole “drawing these lessons to you” part.  I didn’t want to think that I had any hand in this whatsoever.  I wanted to believe that it was all about the people around me and I was the innocent caught in the spiders’ web of deviousness, lies and unkindness that was my world.

That wasn’t the case of course.  The unpleasantness surrounding me was there for one good reason – I was living a lie.  In order to prevent me living that lie my Guides, helpers and friends in the Spirit World were putting the message to me through the people I knew to show me that I needed to move on.

I moved on from my job, my marriage, my home, my in-laws, most of my friends, and eventually my family.  The only lasting thing I took with me was my 2 cats and some good memories.  It caused a lot of angst but it was well worth it.

The knowledge I’ve gained in the last 30 years, combined with the experiences I have working with others will fill several books, but to précis it for the purposes of a short article – I discovered that I needed to take responsibility for my own life.

I found that I needed to learn to think not about guilt and blame or anger and hurt.  Instead I needed to understand what I was seeing in these situations, what they were teaching me, and how they were showing me where to move on with my life and bring it to a healthier, happier place.

I also discovered that situations, both difficult and pleasant, teach you things about yourself and show you where you need to change in order to feel better in your own mind and more confident about who you are as a person.

I have met many people through the years who have found this too difficult to do because they won’t let go of the idea of guilt, blame and bad people doing bad things to innocent victims and instead look for the Spiritual and Universal message.

We all have times when we aren’t the sort of person we want to be, when we behave in ways that we otherwise wouldn’t.  These times are triggered by anger, lack of self-confidence, hurt, pain and all the other ugly things that sneak into everyone’s life from time-to-time.

Simple human situations are not the result of bad people, they’re just messages about personal character traits, people and situations that are no longer relevant to you.

Life is a journey and there is a point to many of the difficult things that happen, and that point is to release negative emotions.  You do that by releasing negative situations.  When you show the universe that you no longer need the rubbish in your life it will stop sending it, but you need to undo the damage within you that makes you keep coming back for more.

You may think that you don’t come back for more, but let me ask you one question.  If the same or similar situations keep occurring who is the person entering and then staying in these situations?  It’s you.  Therefore you haven’t healed the damage in you so that you can say “I deserve better than this” and that means it’s you choosing the situations.  Those who don’t choose them identify, observe, and walk away!

This world of ours is the perfect place to learn to deal with what I feel are the physical emotions – in other words not the serenity and love of the higher mind.

It is in this world that we get into a muddle, and it is to this world that we return to rectify matters.  We may have been unkind to someone in a past life where we knew no better or were victims of a socio-political situation bigger than ourselves.   We may have manifested in those lives behaviour that we cannot begin to comprehend now, and we may have decided to come back and right those wrongs.

In doing so we learn to deal with the emotions, releasing the negative ones yet keeping as part of ourselves the learning, wisdom and greater ability to love that can be the positive result of all the difficult times.

We certainly can’t work those things out in the Spirit World, because that would make it as messy and emotionally confused as it is here.

So if you find yourself experiencing difficult times, calm down, watch and listen to what is happening.  Keep a diary and look for repeat patterns.

If this is a one-off situation that you have never experienced before then avoid the trap of believing that everything that happens in the world is about you and realise that this might be to do with the other person.

Also understand that you may not know exactly what they’re going through in life.  Particularly at work most people present a surface image created for a foreign environment they’re forced into in order to eat and have somewhere to live.  So try not to judge the person or assign blame.  Just conclude that this is an abnormal situation for you, diary it and let it go.

If however you find that there is a recurring pattern then understand that it is a life lesson for you, and use your diary to help you identify the lesson both external – who and what you keep in your world, and internal – the negative emotions you need to eradicate in order to be serene in your own mind and life, and more importantly to like yourself and draw positive people towards you.

Believe me, from my own experience I know that this is a worthwhile and healing way to live.

Trust 3 - An Inviolable Sense of Self

I changed my mind about what to do next due to a very good comment on the Facebook thread I mentioned in Trust 1.  It reminded me of an often neglected area of trust - an inviolable sense of self.

It's very very hard to hold on to your sense of self in this life.  Unless you're extremely lucky to have been raised by supportive parents, have always had 100% genuine friends, and have met only positive, supportive, people.

Let's say that you haven't had this luck.  Let's say that you've had a normal life path and stumbled through a number of painful relationship realities that have broken your trust and made you feel that you can't trust anyone ever again.

An affair might have convinced you that you're middle aged, fat and frumpy, or not good in bed.  A friend may have betrayed you, a colleague may have stabbed you in the back in order to get the promotion you were both up for, a boy/girlfriend might have left you after telling you that it's all your fault.  In fact your life path might be one of betrayal after betrayal and who can blame you for losing trust in...well...trust.  Certainly not me.


Your problem is your sense of self.  You have allowed the actions of others to wobble your belief in who you are.

This DOES NOT mean that it's your fault, far from it.  What it does mean is that you were never taught to look at yourself and decide who you are and how you feel about it.  You were never taught to look at your strengths and appreciate them, because of course that's big-headed and arrogant isn't it.

I'm going to give you an exercise that someone gave me when I first put my feet on the Spiritual path and believe me I sympathise, it was the hardest thing I've ever done.

I want you to make a list of everything good about yourself

Yes you CAN do this and yes there ARE good things about you.  You must do this because you've got to become realistic about who you are.  I'll guarantee that you know your faults but I want you to become acquainted with your strengths and good points.

I want you to do this so that you start to focus on why you deserve decent treatment.  More importantly why you have the right to decent treatment.

Then I want you to think about some of the bad treatment you've received in the past, go back over it in your mind and ask yourself this important question:

What do I think of the person who treated me that way?

Do you like those people?  Do you admire their behaviour?  Realistically you will have been involved in the situation but do you admire the way you were treated?  Would you like to treat anyone that way?

I'm asking these questions so that you get into your true emotional understanding that these people who hurt you were not nice people, or they were nice people who did not behave well under the circumstances.

Realism is the most important factor in learning to trust again.  My first marriage broke up in a wave of anguish that is still a tiny bit unbelievable to me 20 years later.  I won't go into it but I was betrayed not by my ex husband but but everyone else around me.  I held a party for 50 people in the December, I could have invited 100 but we didn't have room.  By July of the following year I knew 5 of those people.  

I was involved of course, but I am 100% comfortable in my own mind that I did not deserve the treatment I received.  That is because I trust who I am and I trust my ability to judge situations fairly.  I'm not perfect, I'm not always right, I don't always know what to do or how to do it, I make mistakes, but at the end of the day I do trust me completely.

And that's what makes me confident enough to trust again, and again, and again.

Connect that idea in your mind to the concept that everyone is human, and you will see why you need to:

Heal the past in your mind.

Understand your part in situations, but that you were only a part of it.

Think clearly about whether you respect the other people involved...

Or feel that their behaviour was unacceptable.

Be real about who you are and that you are NOT always wrong or to blame.

Get to know yourself.

Learn to respect yourself.

And never EVER let anyone affect your self respect again.

That way trusting people will never again be frightening.

I'm not saying what's coming next this time because I think I've just changed my mind anyway.

Deb :-)

Trust 2 - Emotions and Communiation

Having tried to identify what trust is and who it is we're trying to trust 100% of the time for all reasons, no matter what (human beings).  Let's look at the tricky little number that trust affects and that is our emotions.

You've got them and you know that they're difficult things to deal with.  Sometimes you know exactly what you feel about everything and at other times you haven't got a clue what you want or need.

You also know that sometimes you feel that other people should understand what you're going through and yet one of two truths are in play:

You don't know what you feel.

You haven't told the people around you how you feel.

You haven't told them what you need.

You don't know what you need.

The problem is it is very difficult to go into a new relationship, whip out your generic trust agreement and make people sign it in blood on pain of death if they break it.  You know what it's like with written agreements, first you have to actually read them, then you file them, then you have to remember where you put them, and anyway, subtly...oh so subtly...you reworded them to suit your needs and understanding even while you were nodding politely.

The same goes for verbal communication, you'll say anything to get someone's clothes off, get a new job, etc., but in your mind you're reworking your understanding to suit what you know you're going to do.  "I will definitely love you and only you forever unless someone taller/with a larger bust comes along."

So...you can't set up a Draft Heads of Agreement for trust within a relationship.  You may not always know what you need and what you feel, therefore the people around you might get it wrong.

PLUS a few problems...

Other peoples' needs and emotions are not the same as yours.

Other people's ethics are not the same as yours.

Some people are natural empaths and some are naturally dense and unaware.

Some communicate clearly and well, others can't speak their needs at all.

You can surprise yourself so you can certainly surprise others.

You have changed and grown as a human being and so have they (mostly).

In other words...

It goes back to this whole human being issue again.

So, what can you do?

You can set relationship standards for yourself and be that person.

You can ask clearly for what you need.

You can say clearly that what's happening does not work for you.

You COMMUNICATE.

You LISTEN.

You DISCUSS.

AND most importantly

You are REALISTIC and AWARE!

You have a right to have standards by which you would like to be treated, but you must be prepared to also deliver those standards.

You must communicate with people around you and tell them what you need, what isn't working and how you feel.  You must listen to them and understand where they are coming from.  Be prepared to discuss but be wary of too much compromise if you're the one constantly backing down something is definitely wrong.

You must also be aware of what is going on, realistic as to whether the relationship is working for you and if you aren't prepared to walk away then you must take responsibility for staying and putting up with it.  It can be incredibly difficult to move on sometimes but people have escaped from the most difficult and damaging of situations and you can too.

If a relationship has demoralised you to the point that you feel like a horrible person who deserved it all:

Go quiet and don't create difficult situations.

Find help (medical and complementary).

Build up your inner strength.

If you need to diet.

Exercise, it raises the endorphins that make you feel generally better.

(seek advice from your GP if you have any medical conditions or concerns regarding fitness)

Get your hair cut into a nice style or learn to style it or put it up so that it looks good.

If you can afford to update your wardrobe.

Then when you're feeling stronger and better all round...

Walk quietly away with the minimum fuss and the maximum speed.  Not easy to do in difficult relationships with partners or families but if you ask around you will find support from people who have managed to extricate themselves from toxic relationships and if they can do it you can.

However, the bottom line here regarding trust is:

You set the standards.

You observe realistically.

You communicate.

You take action depending on how things go.

It is all about you.

Next "Trust, the Bottom Line"

Deb

Trust 1 - The Basics

I asked a question on Facebook the other day about what people really need help with and Trust came up as a big issue.  I started writing about it and I can confirm that it IS a BIG issue.  So I'm breaking it down into bite-sized chunks.

Let's start by thinking about what trust is.  You may disagree with me or be able to take this thought further but the best I could come up with when I really went into the feeling is:

Trust is what I hope for in all relationships.  

It means that I will never be hurt by anyone.  

It means that people will always mean what they say and do what they say.  

It means that they will always know what I need and deliver it.

I'm sincerely glad that I don't have to ask for what I've defined above as it felt completely unrealistic even as I wrote it.   Because...

We are all human.  

All humans make mistakes.

The greater percentage of human beings mean well.

Most humans mean what they say until they realise that they can't do it.

Most humans mean what they say until they realise that it had a different meaning for you.

Most humans try to be nice by saying yes but sometimes they really meant no.

Relationships have ups and downs.

A lifetime is a long time to love one person.

People change.

Feelings change.

Hopes and dreams change.

Forever is a long time to be perfect.

Nobody is in your life to serve your purpose, not even your children.

Stress affects all relationships.

That children comment is a tough one, but at the end of the day everyone is an individual even the child you gave birth to/sired, and nobody is born to make your life ok, to be perfect around you or for you.  No one, not even you.  You can't say the words "I'm only human!" without remembering that so is everyone else.

Even you don't get things right for yourself all the time.  You make wrong decisions.  You say you'll do something and you don't really want to so you find a way out that fools no one.  You have changed since you were born, maybe more than once, and you will do so again.  If you're honest do you love him/her the same way you did when you met?  Were you really surprised when it broke up or deep-down did you know?

Right, it's a start.  If this makes any sense to you or you can rethink it to make sense you will immediately see that we have high expectations of ourselves and other humans.  

Perhaps the best start with dealing with trust issues is to realise that no one is perfect isn't a cliche it's the truth.

More later

Deb