The Meaning of Life

The Meaning of Life

There comes a time in most lives that the meaning of your existence suddenly becomes an issue.  Why you jog along for umpteen years not giving a second thought to why you're here, if you came here for a reason and what that reason might be I do not know.  I just know that the questions "there must be more to life than this?" and/or "what am I supposed to do with this life?" have reared their heads in the lives of a lot of the people I have met and worked with.

There Must be More to Life Than This!

The answer to this conundrum could be said to depend on whether or not you believe in the existence of the life hereafter, but I don't think that belief is actually important.

If you've come to the point that getting up, going to work, having a few breaks, coming home, eating, watching TV and then sleeping isn't enough, you don't have to change your beliefs in order to find something more.

Anyone can find something to do with their life if they will.  You could change your career to something you feel is more worthwhile; you could take your role into a company that does something or provide something that helps people, animals or the planet.  You could take up volunteering in the evenings or at weekends; you could support a charity; you could get into local government.  

Anything that matters to you can be added to your life without having to decide whether or not you believe there is a Spirit World.

Making a Decision

Even if you do believe that we are Spiritual beings originating from and/or returning to a Spirit World you will still need to make a decision as to how you are going to make your life worthwhile and meaningful for you.

A lot of people believe that they came here with a purpose and somehow, magically, they will be shown what they need to know, and you will, but if you're not out there actively looking and trying things you may very well miss the message.

It is true that the Spirit World has given me clear directions no less than half a dozen times whilst I was sitting in my living room, however, that certainly isn't true of everyone I meet and I still need to go out there and make the changes they suggested happen.

I'm also told by my Guide that ultimately it is our life not theirs and if we change our minds and pick a different direction we will not be struck by lightening providing we're doing some good for someone or something somewhere.  

So if you do struggle to intuit your higher purpose remember that the only person you have to be able to face in a mirror is you!  The Spirit World won't rain down hell and damnation because you became a healer and helped a thousand people instead of becoming a Medium and helping a thousand and fifty.  The only person who will do that is you.

Just Do Something!

If you find it hard to get guidance from the Spirit World, or don't believe that guidance exists, just go outside your house and do something, anything.  Meet new people, find new interests, think about the things you see on the news that you would like to do something about.  

Once you begin investigating the possibilities you will find the thing that calls to your heart and you can guarantee that will be the right thing for you to do.

Measure Your Happiness

That's all you need to do.  Everything we attempt will have a degree of frustration or stress at times, but if essentially you are very happy with what you're doing and there are no quiet niggles at the back of your mind that something isn't right, you are doing fine and you don't need to change a thing.  Until your mind starts telling you that you need to tweak your course a little!

Live With or Without Meaning

It's entirely up to you, but in my experience if you want meaning then your life will only have meaning if you give it meaning.

P.S.

If you're entirely comfortable in your life don't worry about any of this, there are no rules that every human being has to do something with their life.  

There is no rule that says being the parent of offspring isn't a fantastic thing to do and equals a life well lived.  You may have just raised the person who is going to cure cancer or create a lasting world peace.  

So if you feel OK then everything is OK, and it isn't anyone else's job to judge you and your life, only you need to feel completely at peace with who you are and what you do.

If The 'Voice' Speaks You Will Know

You will, I promise, and if it does speak - listen.  No one needs to be bored or feel useless or pointless as long as they have the courage to take a leap of faith, explore a little, meet a few new people, and get their head out of whatever box it's been packaged in during their upbringing.

You have everything within you to do whatever you need to do, so if you feel you want to do more the world is your oyster!

42

All "Hitch Hikers" will understand that the computer decided that the meaning of life is 42 in the wonderful series "The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy", but I don't think the computer knew what it was doing <smile>.

Wishing you happy days, peaceful nights, and a life purpose if you need one.

Deb

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RIP Baroness Thatcher

I was going to put this on my Campaign for Kindness page as a post, but it kind of grew and grew so I turned it into a blog.

So...

As this is a page about kindness it would seem reasonable to try to examine the events surrounding the death of Baroness Thatcher and see what can be learnt.

Like many I was extremely upset to see some of the truly vile and unkind comments about her passing, comments that paid no heed to her children and grandchildren and those who knew the woman rather than the Prime Minister.

However, let's use kindness to review this situation.

Firstly, David Rowan the Astrologer helped me to see that people were expressing a long buried anger created by a lot of hurt.  That helped me to understand their viewpoint better even if I couldn't personally condone the unkindness.  Let's face it, I run this page so it would be pretty two-faced if I could.

Secondly, there was a lot of talk about what she did to whom, with only a little talk about the entire situation and her whole legacy.  What we can learn from this is that kindness asks us to be as informed as possible and take the whole situation into consideration.  The whole is the sum of the parts but the parts alone can never be a whole no matter how much we would wish it otherwise.

What is clear that what happens to 'me' in our society still has prevalence over the whole.  We still need to be a bit more Star Trek "the good of the many outweighs the good of the few or the one."

Then think about cause and effect, Baroness Thatcher was responding at the beginning not to a situation of her making but to a situation that was nonetheless in existence.  We often forget that when we take an action there will be a reaction, and to paraphrase Sir Isaac Newton "an equal and opposite reaction."  So the message here is that we need to be aware of what we're doing and that we might not get the result we desire.    You cannot set an angry or hurtful action in process and think that you can control the outcome, you can't.  I think Mrs T. wouldn't be that surprised about recent events because she knew that she often took hard and unpopular decisions and stood by that.

Then there's the whole "People in glass houses" scenario.  What she did she did on the world stage, what the not-so-famous do is normally done behind closed doors so they get away with it.  Whenever we are critical of others we need to ask what have we done that caused hurt?  You might say that there are levels of hurt and she took the biscuit, but would the people you have hurt agree with that?

Then there are the people trying to defend her, of which I was one.  An action created for the best of reasons borne out of the shock of seeing so much hatred.  I think we used a lot of energy and achieved very little.  I doubt that we changed one single mind.  My lesson from this has been that I will ensure that I put my positive energy somewhere that it will be welcomed, and the rest I will try to achieve by example and gentle teaching.  (Mind you, I learn a lot about people and my work from these situations so I have to look at them, I will use my reaction differently next time.)

What about being British?  We used to be a stiff-upper-lip kind of race respected for our low key approach.  We saw that crack upon the death of Diana and I think that a lot of us are examining at the moment whether we should wear our hearts on our social networking sleeves quite so much.  For me I feel that emotional restraint is key to helping the people around you to be more comfortable and allowing them to BE.  Sharing of opinions is all very well, but it's how you share rather than whether you share that indicates who you are, and how kind you are.

For Spiritual people we might at times feel 'right' when others are perceived as being in a complete mess, but I would beg us all to remember that some people literally do not know what they do not know.  Spirituality and Spiritual living is so natural to us we forget that there are people for whom cosmic order, karma, moving forwards, letting go of anger and hurt, etc., are not discussed.  I came from a family who had no clue about anything I've learnt on this path and we must, must, must remember that.

However, and even more MUST, we must get out there and share more.  I have been saying in Spiritual churches for a long time that the messages we receive aren't just for us, we need to share them more with others.  Going every week for the healing of these lovely services is one thing, but sharing a little here and a little there whenever you can respectfully and appropriately do so is critical to other people beginning to know that there is something they don't know.  They won't pick up the life learning messages as we do if they haven't heard the voice.

Then building on the past.  Yes mistakes were made but a lot of good was also done.  Certainly there has been some learning but not enough, so maybe this explosion of past hurt will be helpful in making our current crop of MPs think more carefully about what they're doing.  Good could come from this yet.

A human being, because that's what she was.  She did her best, we may not have agreed with that best but it would have been the best she had - think about it, the whole world was watching her!

She was a person of her times, affected by events, by her past, changed from an innocent by her upbringing and life experience.  And like everyone else you will ever meet she wasn't all bad and she wasn't all to blame.  Your children could one day scream at you about how you ruined their lives, just be grateful that won't happen on the world stage and it will only be a couple of children not a million disaffected voters.  What we've learnt from this situation is that people will still believe that they are 'right' and someone else is 'wrong' but that's rarely the case.  If you have the courage, and the kindness, always look at yourself and try to be honest about how you got involved in the first place.

Holding on to anger and bitterness is like taking poison and waiting for someone else to die, some people did that and it happened, but what have the years of being so angry done to and for them.  There are young people swearing and cursing about her, clearly furiously angry, and they weren't even alive when she came to power.  They have learnt the hurt and anger, which means that they have carried a hurt and anger that had nothing to do with them.  Yes, job losses will have affected their quality of life significantly, but our beliefs say that it is up to adults to always mitigate the hurt for young people and teach them to battle against their challenges and win rather than battle a past that cannot be successfully fought.  That's what parents do, heal hurt and build strength and determination.  Perhaps we can learn that too.

I could go on because I think the learning opportunities from this situation are huge, but I will sum it up now.

1.  No I don't think I've converted anyone to a path of less anger with this, and I wasn't trying to do so.

2.  It's become very obvious that there is a lack of respect for the viewpoints of others and that some people do not mind being cruel and don't care if they cause a great deal of hurt as long as they can speak their mind.  A wise person will allow them to do so and turn away, but they will not give up the quest for kindness and they will demonstrate that through happiness and success, and most importantly sharing a gentle truth whenever requested to do so.

3.  We can only lead by example, but we must ensure that we are an example and not fooling ourselves that we're doing better than we are.  We can only truly share happiness and make it attractive if we are attractively happy.

4.  Where you can help with anger, do so.  If someone will listen share your ideas for releasing anger with them.  Do whatever you can to encourage them onto the path of kindness, respectfully.

5.  Kindness cannot be beaten by any of this.  It will always exist, and one day I sincerely believe that kindness will be victorious.

6.  Think today of all the people who have lost a loved one recently, not just Baroness Thatcher's family.

Wishing you happy days and peaceful nights

Deb

I Feel Betrayed

It's a horrible feeling when you trust people and they let you down, you hover somewhere between anger and despair, and wondering what on earth you did to deserve this kind of treatment.

You play a variety of sound tracks in your mind where you tell them exactly what you think of them, but may find it hard to voice your feelings especially if you're angry and don't feel able to express that anger in a positive way that doesn't make things a million times worse.  Especially if your protagonist uses temper as a shut-you-up device.

Or you may be dealing with someone who traditionally pays lip-service to everything you say and then carries on doing exactly as they've always done and you're not supposed to notice.  This leaves you hovering, again, between anger and complete disbelief that either they think you're so stupid you haven't noticed or they so completely disrespect you that they don't care whether you've noticed.

I hate these situations myself because I too find it difficult to react to behaviour that I don't understand that leaves me questioning myself, but I've learnt to trust myself and to know whether I have in some way contributed towards this or it's mainly all about them and their world view.

I also have considerable problems with hurting another person even if I don't like their behaviour, mainly because I don't expect anyone to conform to my world-view or always meet only my needs.  This is especially true when you consider the difference between what you think is happening and  the way someone else views the same thing, which can be even more different than chalk and cheese.

We've all been there and we've all had successes and failures.  Successful communication is, of course, no problem, but what about the times when a) you fail and b) you're left facing a person who really doesn't care for you or respect you sufficiently to stop hurting you?  Painful times.

Obviously you should walk away, but when that person is family or a colleague then even if you can minimise your time with them you may still find being in the same room as them almost unbearable and feel as if they're laughing at you all the time.  Not a pleasant feeling.

Self confidence is a difficult thing to achieve, but if you can get to the point that you like and respect yourself then the first thing you will notice is that the respect of others isn't so critical to you.  Yes of course you would prefer to be respected and liked, but if you can't achieve that happy situation then it won't wobble your view of yourself. 

If you find that someone doesn't treat you well the first question you should ask yourself is "how do I view them?"  Do you respect them?  Do you like them?  Is their behaviour always kind and acceptable towards others as well as towards you?  Are they good communicators willing to discuss and listen, or are they always right and everyone else in the world is an idiot who's missed the point?  You get my drift.

Because before you worry about someones attitude towards you, you need to work out your attitude towards them.  If you can base this not just on the treatment they dish out to you but the way they treat others as well you may identify that this is about who they are and not just who you are.

'Me' means that you are certain you didn't start or ask for this situation, 'not me' is when you review the other persons' behaviour and conclude that it's something to do with them and how they're feeling and not about you.

This is something that many parents don't teach, probably because they weren't taught it themselves.  That you are allowed to assess behaviour towards you before you come to the conclusion that  you are wrong.  In fact it's critical that you do this.

We are all wrong at times, sometimes completely so and other times it's easy to see where two different ways of thinking, world views, or emotional situations have unwittingly collided and created a mess.  The decent and honourable person will always be able to reflect on their role in a situation and discuss it with the other people involved.  

However, if it isn't all about you then you should expect a joint apology scenario.  If you always land up admitting your part in it only to be met with "well I hope you've learnt your lesson this time" or some such slap in the face, there is definitely something awry.

So the moral of the story is, you've tried to communicate, you've acknowledge and apologised when you are wrong and still you cannot repair this relationship.  So you will take the next step then and look at this person's treatment of everyone around them, not just you.  If you can conclude that they don't treat anyone very well and their treatment of you is in line with or similar to the way they treat others, then you are safe to decide that this person does not get to judge you and find you wanting.

If you must remain in the same setting as them then simply be quiet around them, engage in conversation as little as possible, and remember that only people you respect are allowed to rattle you. 

If they are a boss or a colleague don't get drawn into their games, speak your piece quietly and firmly and stop speaking when you've said what you need to say.  If necessary job hunt and leave.  This isn't a defeat, there is no commonsense in staying somewhere you are unhappy and in a situation you are unable to repair.

If they are family then you may have to see them, but "does anyone want a drink, I'm making them?" is a very good way to leave a room.  It is especially effective if you allow someone to be unkind, don't reply to them, let a little silence develop and then duck out to the toilet or to make that drink.  It leaves their behaviour as the last thing that happens in the room and you haven't even had to say a word.

Think about these things, be aware that you are not always wrong, that you must take a considered viewpoint of the behaviour of others before you apportion blame to yourself, and that you are allowed to feel that you don't respect or like someones behaviour.  It is OK.  

We can't get on with everyone all the time, and there are some people you can't get on with ever, but a realist knows that they will not base their personal opinion of themselves on the viewpoint of someone they do not like or respect.  And you are allowed to feel that.

Wishing you happy days, peaceful nights, and buckets of self-realism.

Deb
www.debhawken.com

Nothing To Do With Me

How often have you been in difficult situations in life leading to conflict with others and felt completely baffled as to what is going on?  People have turned on you for seemingly no reason talking to others about you behind your back, or you’ve taken a new job and the boss or your colleagues aren’t welcoming towards you.

You’ve probably felt like a victim, wondering why you, why these people are turning on you when all you’ve ever tried to do is make friends and have a happy time.  Or very, very angry and unfairly treated.

Sadly the victim mentality actually hinders your ability to sort things out.  All the time your mind is occupied with “It’s so unfair” it isn’t occupied with listening, watching and sifting information in order to get to the bottom of things.

The angry mentality won’t serve you either because the moment a person feels attacked they will attack back or you can spend hours in a tit-for-tat situation trading insults and accusations.  Which usually only leads to loss of mutual respect, possibly tears, and a bad throat from all the yelling.  Not to mention stress levels that would register on the earthquake monitoring system.

The hardest thing is to recognise your part in what is happening, and the even harder thing to do is to do so without blaming yourself, your past, your parents, and anyone else who might have at some point been in your life.  Working with fault and blame is a waste of time and energy that does nothing to resolve situations.

So what can you do?

When I first put my feet on the Spiritual path I did not do so as the Psychic Medium, writer and inspirational speaker I am now.  Instead I joined at the dawning of Spiritual enlightenment stage.

I was close to coming apart because I was living a life so horrendously unsuited to me that I didn’t know where to turn in order to escape it.  Enter my friend and mentor Keith Macfarlane who listened to all my angst and then quietly informed me that a) I was drawing these lessons to me and b) I didn’t need to think the way I did.

I liked the thinking differently part but I have to say that I was a bit miffed by the whole “drawing these lessons to you” part.  I didn’t want to think that I had any hand in this whatsoever.  I wanted to believe that it was all about the people around me and I was the innocent caught in the spiders’ web of deviousness, lies and unkindness that was my world.

That wasn’t the case of course.  The unpleasantness surrounding me was there for one good reason – I was living a lie.  In order to prevent me living that lie my Guides, helpers and friends in the Spirit World were putting the message to me through the people I knew to show me that I needed to move on.

I moved on from my job, my marriage, my home, my in-laws, most of my friends, and eventually my family.  The only lasting thing I took with me was my 2 cats and some good memories.  It caused a lot of angst but it was well worth it.

The knowledge I’ve gained in the last 30 years, combined with the experiences I have working with others will fill several books, but to précis it for the purposes of a short article – I discovered that I needed to take responsibility for my own life.

I found that I needed to learn to think not about guilt and blame or anger and hurt.  Instead I needed to understand what I was seeing in these situations, what they were teaching me, and how they were showing me where to move on with my life and bring it to a healthier, happier place.

I also discovered that situations, both difficult and pleasant, teach you things about yourself and show you where you need to change in order to feel better in your own mind and more confident about who you are as a person.

I have met many people through the years who have found this too difficult to do because they won’t let go of the idea of guilt, blame and bad people doing bad things to innocent victims and instead look for the Spiritual and Universal message.

We all have times when we aren’t the sort of person we want to be, when we behave in ways that we otherwise wouldn’t.  These times are triggered by anger, lack of self-confidence, hurt, pain and all the other ugly things that sneak into everyone’s life from time-to-time.

Simple human situations are not the result of bad people, they’re just messages about personal character traits, people and situations that are no longer relevant to you.

Life is a journey and there is a point to many of the difficult things that happen, and that point is to release negative emotions.  You do that by releasing negative situations.  When you show the universe that you no longer need the rubbish in your life it will stop sending it, but you need to undo the damage within you that makes you keep coming back for more.

You may think that you don’t come back for more, but let me ask you one question.  If the same or similar situations keep occurring who is the person entering and then staying in these situations?  It’s you.  Therefore you haven’t healed the damage in you so that you can say “I deserve better than this” and that means it’s you choosing the situations.  Those who don’t choose them identify, observe, and walk away!

This world of ours is the perfect place to learn to deal with what I feel are the physical emotions – in other words not the serenity and love of the higher mind.

It is in this world that we get into a muddle, and it is to this world that we return to rectify matters.  We may have been unkind to someone in a past life where we knew no better or were victims of a socio-political situation bigger than ourselves.   We may have manifested in those lives behaviour that we cannot begin to comprehend now, and we may have decided to come back and right those wrongs.

In doing so we learn to deal with the emotions, releasing the negative ones yet keeping as part of ourselves the learning, wisdom and greater ability to love that can be the positive result of all the difficult times.

We certainly can’t work those things out in the Spirit World, because that would make it as messy and emotionally confused as it is here.

So if you find yourself experiencing difficult times, calm down, watch and listen to what is happening.  Keep a diary and look for repeat patterns.

If this is a one-off situation that you have never experienced before then avoid the trap of believing that everything that happens in the world is about you and realise that this might be to do with the other person.

Also understand that you may not know exactly what they’re going through in life.  Particularly at work most people present a surface image created for a foreign environment they’re forced into in order to eat and have somewhere to live.  So try not to judge the person or assign blame.  Just conclude that this is an abnormal situation for you, diary it and let it go.

If however you find that there is a recurring pattern then understand that it is a life lesson for you, and use your diary to help you identify the lesson both external – who and what you keep in your world, and internal – the negative emotions you need to eradicate in order to be serene in your own mind and life, and more importantly to like yourself and draw positive people towards you.

Believe me, from my own experience I know that this is a worthwhile and healing way to live.

Trust 3 - An Inviolable Sense of Self

I changed my mind about what to do next due to a very good comment on the Facebook thread I mentioned in Trust 1.  It reminded me of an often neglected area of trust - an inviolable sense of self.

It's very very hard to hold on to your sense of self in this life.  Unless you're extremely lucky to have been raised by supportive parents, have always had 100% genuine friends, and have met only positive, supportive, people.

Let's say that you haven't had this luck.  Let's say that you've had a normal life path and stumbled through a number of painful relationship realities that have broken your trust and made you feel that you can't trust anyone ever again.

An affair might have convinced you that you're middle aged, fat and frumpy, or not good in bed.  A friend may have betrayed you, a colleague may have stabbed you in the back in order to get the promotion you were both up for, a boy/girlfriend might have left you after telling you that it's all your fault.  In fact your life path might be one of betrayal after betrayal and who can blame you for losing trust in...well...trust.  Certainly not me.


Your problem is your sense of self.  You have allowed the actions of others to wobble your belief in who you are.

This DOES NOT mean that it's your fault, far from it.  What it does mean is that you were never taught to look at yourself and decide who you are and how you feel about it.  You were never taught to look at your strengths and appreciate them, because of course that's big-headed and arrogant isn't it.

I'm going to give you an exercise that someone gave me when I first put my feet on the Spiritual path and believe me I sympathise, it was the hardest thing I've ever done.

I want you to make a list of everything good about yourself

Yes you CAN do this and yes there ARE good things about you.  You must do this because you've got to become realistic about who you are.  I'll guarantee that you know your faults but I want you to become acquainted with your strengths and good points.

I want you to do this so that you start to focus on why you deserve decent treatment.  More importantly why you have the right to decent treatment.

Then I want you to think about some of the bad treatment you've received in the past, go back over it in your mind and ask yourself this important question:

What do I think of the person who treated me that way?

Do you like those people?  Do you admire their behaviour?  Realistically you will have been involved in the situation but do you admire the way you were treated?  Would you like to treat anyone that way?

I'm asking these questions so that you get into your true emotional understanding that these people who hurt you were not nice people, or they were nice people who did not behave well under the circumstances.

Realism is the most important factor in learning to trust again.  My first marriage broke up in a wave of anguish that is still a tiny bit unbelievable to me 20 years later.  I won't go into it but I was betrayed not by my ex husband but but everyone else around me.  I held a party for 50 people in the December, I could have invited 100 but we didn't have room.  By July of the following year I knew 5 of those people.  

I was involved of course, but I am 100% comfortable in my own mind that I did not deserve the treatment I received.  That is because I trust who I am and I trust my ability to judge situations fairly.  I'm not perfect, I'm not always right, I don't always know what to do or how to do it, I make mistakes, but at the end of the day I do trust me completely.

And that's what makes me confident enough to trust again, and again, and again.

Connect that idea in your mind to the concept that everyone is human, and you will see why you need to:

Heal the past in your mind.

Understand your part in situations, but that you were only a part of it.

Think clearly about whether you respect the other people involved...

Or feel that their behaviour was unacceptable.

Be real about who you are and that you are NOT always wrong or to blame.

Get to know yourself.

Learn to respect yourself.

And never EVER let anyone affect your self respect again.

That way trusting people will never again be frightening.

I'm not saying what's coming next this time because I think I've just changed my mind anyway.

Deb :-)

Trust 2 - Emotions and Communiation

Having tried to identify what trust is and who it is we're trying to trust 100% of the time for all reasons, no matter what (human beings).  Let's look at the tricky little number that trust affects and that is our emotions.

You've got them and you know that they're difficult things to deal with.  Sometimes you know exactly what you feel about everything and at other times you haven't got a clue what you want or need.

You also know that sometimes you feel that other people should understand what you're going through and yet one of two truths are in play:

You don't know what you feel.

You haven't told the people around you how you feel.

You haven't told them what you need.

You don't know what you need.

The problem is it is very difficult to go into a new relationship, whip out your generic trust agreement and make people sign it in blood on pain of death if they break it.  You know what it's like with written agreements, first you have to actually read them, then you file them, then you have to remember where you put them, and anyway, subtly...oh so subtly...you reworded them to suit your needs and understanding even while you were nodding politely.

The same goes for verbal communication, you'll say anything to get someone's clothes off, get a new job, etc., but in your mind you're reworking your understanding to suit what you know you're going to do.  "I will definitely love you and only you forever unless someone taller/with a larger bust comes along."

So...you can't set up a Draft Heads of Agreement for trust within a relationship.  You may not always know what you need and what you feel, therefore the people around you might get it wrong.

PLUS a few problems...

Other peoples' needs and emotions are not the same as yours.

Other people's ethics are not the same as yours.

Some people are natural empaths and some are naturally dense and unaware.

Some communicate clearly and well, others can't speak their needs at all.

You can surprise yourself so you can certainly surprise others.

You have changed and grown as a human being and so have they (mostly).

In other words...

It goes back to this whole human being issue again.

So, what can you do?

You can set relationship standards for yourself and be that person.

You can ask clearly for what you need.

You can say clearly that what's happening does not work for you.

You COMMUNICATE.

You LISTEN.

You DISCUSS.

AND most importantly

You are REALISTIC and AWARE!

You have a right to have standards by which you would like to be treated, but you must be prepared to also deliver those standards.

You must communicate with people around you and tell them what you need, what isn't working and how you feel.  You must listen to them and understand where they are coming from.  Be prepared to discuss but be wary of too much compromise if you're the one constantly backing down something is definitely wrong.

You must also be aware of what is going on, realistic as to whether the relationship is working for you and if you aren't prepared to walk away then you must take responsibility for staying and putting up with it.  It can be incredibly difficult to move on sometimes but people have escaped from the most difficult and damaging of situations and you can too.

If a relationship has demoralised you to the point that you feel like a horrible person who deserved it all:

Go quiet and don't create difficult situations.

Find help (medical and complementary).

Build up your inner strength.

If you need to diet.

Exercise, it raises the endorphins that make you feel generally better.

(seek advice from your GP if you have any medical conditions or concerns regarding fitness)

Get your hair cut into a nice style or learn to style it or put it up so that it looks good.

If you can afford to update your wardrobe.

Then when you're feeling stronger and better all round...

Walk quietly away with the minimum fuss and the maximum speed.  Not easy to do in difficult relationships with partners or families but if you ask around you will find support from people who have managed to extricate themselves from toxic relationships and if they can do it you can.

However, the bottom line here regarding trust is:

You set the standards.

You observe realistically.

You communicate.

You take action depending on how things go.

It is all about you.

Next "Trust, the Bottom Line"

Deb

Trust 1 - The Basics

I asked a question on Facebook the other day about what people really need help with and Trust came up as a big issue.  I started writing about it and I can confirm that it IS a BIG issue.  So I'm breaking it down into bite-sized chunks.

Let's start by thinking about what trust is.  You may disagree with me or be able to take this thought further but the best I could come up with when I really went into the feeling is:

Trust is what I hope for in all relationships.  

It means that I will never be hurt by anyone.  

It means that people will always mean what they say and do what they say.  

It means that they will always know what I need and deliver it.

I'm sincerely glad that I don't have to ask for what I've defined above as it felt completely unrealistic even as I wrote it.   Because...

We are all human.  

All humans make mistakes.

The greater percentage of human beings mean well.

Most humans mean what they say until they realise that they can't do it.

Most humans mean what they say until they realise that it had a different meaning for you.

Most humans try to be nice by saying yes but sometimes they really meant no.

Relationships have ups and downs.

A lifetime is a long time to love one person.

People change.

Feelings change.

Hopes and dreams change.

Forever is a long time to be perfect.

Nobody is in your life to serve your purpose, not even your children.

Stress affects all relationships.

That children comment is a tough one, but at the end of the day everyone is an individual even the child you gave birth to/sired, and nobody is born to make your life ok, to be perfect around you or for you.  No one, not even you.  You can't say the words "I'm only human!" without remembering that so is everyone else.

Even you don't get things right for yourself all the time.  You make wrong decisions.  You say you'll do something and you don't really want to so you find a way out that fools no one.  You have changed since you were born, maybe more than once, and you will do so again.  If you're honest do you love him/her the same way you did when you met?  Were you really surprised when it broke up or deep-down did you know?

Right, it's a start.  If this makes any sense to you or you can rethink it to make sense you will immediately see that we have high expectations of ourselves and other humans.  

Perhaps the best start with dealing with trust issues is to realise that no one is perfect isn't a cliche it's the truth.

More later

Deb