Friday, 16 November 2012

Trust 2 - Emotions and Communiation

Having tried to identify what trust is and who it is we're trying to trust 100% of the time for all reasons, no matter what (human beings).  Let's look at the tricky little number that trust affects and that is our emotions.

You've got them and you know that they're difficult things to deal with.  Sometimes you know exactly what you feel about everything and at other times you haven't got a clue what you want or need.

You also know that sometimes you feel that other people should understand what you're going through and yet one of two truths are in play:

You don't know what you feel.
You haven't told the people around you how you feel.
You haven't told them what you need.
You don't know what you need.

The problem is it is very difficult to go into a new relationship, whip out your generic trust agreement and make people sign it in blood on pain of death if they break it.  You know what it's like with written agreements, first you have to actually read them, then you file them, then you have to remember where you put them, and anyway, subtly...oh so reworded them to suit your needs and understanding even while you were nodding politely.

The same goes for verbal communication, you'll say anything to get someone's clothes off, get a new job, etc., but in your mind you're reworking your understanding to suit what you know you're going to do.  "I will definitely love you and only you forever unless someone taller/with a larger bust comes along." can't set up a Draft Heads of Agreement for trust within a relationship.  You may not always know what you need and what you feel, therefore the people around you might get it wrong.

PLUS a few problems...

Other peoples' needs and emotions are not the same as yours.
Other people's ethics are not the same as yours.
Some people are natural empaths and some are naturally dense and unaware.
Some communicate clearly and well, others can't speak their needs at all.
You can surprise yourself so you can certainly surprise others.
You have changed and grown as a human being and so have they (mostly).
In other words...

It goes back to this whole human being issue again.

So, what can you do?

You can set relationship standards for yourself and be that person.
You can ask clearly for what you need.
You can say clearly that what's happening does not work for you.
AND most importantly

You have a right to have standards by which you would like to be treated, but you must be prepared to also deliver those standards.

You must communicate with people around you and tell them what you need, what isn't working and how you feel.  You must listen to them and understand where they are coming from.  Be prepared to discuss but be wary of too much compromise if you're the one constantly backing down something is definitely wrong.

You must also be aware of what is going on, realistic as to whether the relationship is working for you and if you aren't prepared to walk away then you must take responsibility for staying and putting up with it.  It can be incredibly difficult to move on sometimes but people have escaped from the most difficult and damaging of situations and you can too.

If a relationship has demoralised you to the point that you feel like a horrible person who deserved it all:

Go quiet and don't create difficult situations.
Find help (medical and complementary).
Build up your inner strength.
If you need to diet.
Exercise, it raises the endorphins that make you feel generally better.
(seek advice from your GP if you have any medical conditions or concerns regarding fitness)
Get your hair cut into a nice style or learn to style it or put it up so that it looks good.
If you can afford to update your wardrobe.
Then when you're feeling stronger and better all round...

Walk quietly away with the minimum fuss and the maximum speed.  Not easy to do in difficult relationships with partners or families but if you ask around you will find support from people who have managed to extricate themselves from toxic relationships and if they can do it you can.

However, the bottom line here regarding trust is:

You set the standards.
You observe realistically.
You communicate.
You take action depending on how things go.

It is all about you.

Next "Trust, the Bottom Line"


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