Sunday, 23 January 2011

Translating the Conversation

One of the biggest problems we humans face in life are misunderstandings.  We've all been victims of them and all been equally puzzled when things go wrong and chaos ensues.

We sit at home feeling wounded running through the conversation or situation again and again in our minds trying desperately to work out what went wrong, only to end up frustrated and with a headache.

In my experience of working with people I have realised something, and that is that people often translate conversations in their minds, decide what other people really mean when they say something, and convince themselves that whatever they really want to happen, will.

This is because we all have our own agendas and own desires, which brings me to the second part of this problem: knowing what you really want.  Sadly, few people know what they really want out of life and if you don't believe me ask yourself how many people you know who are as blissfully and completely happy as possible in all areas of their lives.  I'll guarantee you that you can think of very few.

You may know people happy in their work - but how many?  You may know people happy in their relationship - but again how many?  How many people do you know who are really, deep down, happy with their lot and how many do you know that are living a compromise?

Add to this that although we all think we listen to others, those best at the job have done years of training in learning to listen.  This is because you need to learn to listen beneath the words and hear what the person is really saying.  You do this by listening to their speech patterns, noticing what they talk about, and most importantly of all - watching their actions and noting the results.  

We live lives of pretence, pretending that we are doing something, pretending we're working hard to bring about changes, pretending we want something when deep down inside we're screaming to escape.

We also care about the people around us so when they ask something of us we will say yes even when we mean no - again running a second conversation through our minds working out how we can get out of whatever it is as quickly as possible.

Thus it doesn't matter how clear we are when we talk, we're actually not talking about quite the same subject in quite the same way, and we're amazed when the wheels come off.

So the message is, listen to your own thoughts when you speak words, and listen to what the person in front of you is actually saying.  Be aware when you're thoughts are running contrary to what your mouth is agreeing to.

Also understand that your agenda needs to be spoken clearly out loud otherwise you cannot expect the other person to understand you and what you want.  A favourite Deb-ism of mine is - what isn't said isn't heard and you can't blame other people for their ignorance if you haven't spoken.

When dealing with someone else watch them carefully and if you're not certain you're on the same page flag that up and reinforce your side of the conversation as clearly as possible.

If you're not sure ask questions, and if it's in any way important (especially financially and emotionally)  confirm the conversation in writing so that you both have it to go back to. 

Just be aware though that every time you get into a muddle it won't be entirely the other person's fault because you were there too.

Wishing you happy days and peaceful nights


Wednesday, 19 January 2011

Too Much on My Mind - Getting Started with Meditation

Resident Medium at Warner's Cricket St. Thomas Hotel in Somerset
Feature writer for Silent Voices Ezine, Vivid Life Ezine, Ezine, and Eternal Spirit Magazine
Facebook Deb-Dancing-Star-Hawken; Twitter DebDancingStar
The mind can be a very busy place, full of erroneous thoughts and ideas, nipping back into the past to pick over old wounds, worrying about those we love and care about, making mental shopping lists and to do lists and promptly forgetting everything, and then starting all over again.

The trouble is we're all Psychic to one degree or another and there is a theory that we pick up on each other for miles around because we're all linked by our energy output.

If you mention the word 'meditation' many people will tell you that they're unable to meditate because the moment they try to become quiet in mind and body everything listed above - and more - starts warring for space in their head.  Far from becoming calm and serene they land up in a pitched battle with their mind struggling to calm down.  Frequently they give up and reach for the chocolate and a good film instead.

Calming the mind down isn't easy for the beginner and the first thing you need to do is stop battling your mind.  Allow it to be, allow it to think, but instead of holding on to the thoughts just go 'ok' and let them float away.

Then make sure you are wearing comfy clothes, you won't be able to calm the mind if your waistband is cutting off your circulation.

Next sit comfortably.  It doesn't matter where or in what position as long as you're comfortable.  Few of us have the flexibility to sit with our legs crossed in the lotus position for more than a nanosecond before cramp sends us screaming for the heat rub, and it's not worth ruining peace of mind with agony of body.

Just relax your hands in your lap.  Some people say you should have your hands face up to receive energy and allow it to flow, but I have found that I can meditate perfectly well with my hands face down in my lap.

Dim the lights in the room, but you don't need to light candles or use incense unless you want to.  Use headphones if they're comfortable but don't worry if they're not.

Now put on some music that you absolutely love, preferably instrumental, and listen to it.  You're probably thinking "What? I always listen to music when it's on!"  Actually you probably don't.  Do you shut your eyes and really listen?  Do you allow the music to flow through you and over you?  Do you allow yourself to become so absorbed in that beautiful music that you forget everything else?  That's what I mean by listening.

As a beginner it doesn't matter if you listen for one minute, three minutes or an hour.  Just accept what you can do and don't worry about it. The more you worry the more you undo the good work.

You may find that meditation for five minutes is enough for you, if so that's absolutely fine.  Feeling better is the ultimate objective and if you feel better that objective is achieved.  There are no rules and unless you really want to be one of the top Sufi's in the world there's no need to be pedantic about timing and quality.

If at first you don't succeed keep trying, but if you definitely can't meditate then it might be that you're a person who requires physical exercise as a method of relaxing, so just go out there and walk or find an exercise or fitness class that suits you.

For me Pilates works because I have to think about it and that clears my mind of everything else, martial arts used to do the same thing.

To each his/her own isn't just a saying - it's true.  Just stick to the healthy path of meditation and fitness though - no comments about how well a bottle of wine works for you, I'm not taking responsibility for that LOL.

Wishing you happy days and peaceful nights


Sunday, 9 January 2011

If You Don't Change 'IT' then 'IT' Won't Change
Facebook: Deb-Dancing-Star-Hawken
Next workshop:  Whitchurch, Bristol, Saturday 5th February - Vision Board Workshop
I came up with this phrase about 17 years ago when I first started working to inspire people, and to me it sums up a fundamental problem with our society and way of thinking.  The fact that we are rarely brought up to take responsibility for our own lives.

It came about because I realised that people often talk in the abstract:  "Things can only get better."  "Things will change."  "It will change".  What THINGS?  What is IT?  All abstract, all unspecific, and all pointless affirmations.

If you've done any work with cosmic ordering or the power of intention you will know that the Universe calls for you to be specific about what you want or need whilst allowing for some flexibility in delivery.

For example, it is good to say that you want a reliable car that you really love driving and feel safe and happy in.  It is not good to say that you want a specific car.  Even if you've test-driven a few cars there might be one out there that you will like so much better and you don't even know about it, yet the Universe can receive your clear instruction about the type of car and guide you to the car that will fulfil all those wishes.

However, if you say to the Universe that "IT needs to change" or "THINGS need to get better" the Universe needs to wait until you tell it what exactly is wrong.

In one of my talks "Why Cosmic Ordering Doesn't Always Work" I say that I have a feeling that the Universe is sitting behind a closed door with two signs on it "I am NOT a banker; money belongs only in your world" and "When someone makes up their mind about something please knock".

Sometimes life is outside our control, a loved one is suffering in some way, a lover leaves; children empty the nest leaving only dust and memories behind.  A person is challenged with ill health.  When that happens all you can do is to maintain the most positive state of mind possible and use every tool in the book to help yourself or others.

However, a great deal of the time life is not outside your control.  You might think that you're putting on weight and you don't know why but what do you really eat in a day and how much do you exercise, have you checked with your doctor that there isn't an underlying health issue if you really feel you're eating and exercising well?

Please note that the vast majority of famous glamour-pusses and muscle men work out every day and live on strict healthy diets.  Bruno Tonioli of "Strictly" fame spends 4 1/2 hours a week in the gym and probably hasn't been seen with a donut in his hand since Moses was a baby!

(I apologise to the youthful Bruno for the age reference but the joke works.)

You might think that your so-called friends always treat you badly, but how are you contributing to that lesson and what do you intend to do about it?  A non-friend is no friend and yet it's surprising how many people need that pointed out to them when it's as plain as the nose on your face.

And please, the vast number of people you skirmish with on social networking sites are not friends.  No one is a 'friend' that you wouldn't recognise in the street.  They are acquaintances that you are getting to know with a view to building something real between you.

(Boy I was daring there, I started not just a sentence but a paragraph with the word 'and', the literati will shoot me - LOL - but it made the point.)

I love keeping up with and getting to know the friends of friends who make up my social networking groups, I really appreciate their presence in my life and I've learned a lot, been inspired, and laughed a lot with some of them, but friendship needs to be real to succeed, it is something you put your time, your effort, your heart and your soul into.  It isn't a quick status away.

Besides, true friends think like you, you're similar and you enjoy the differences that make each other unique you don't hate them!  Sometimes I think the social networking sites are misleading us, or are we not following up on the 'friendships' and making them real...interesting question.

Those are only two examples of the things that can feel wrong in your life but can be easily changed if you focus on them and take determined action.  If, however, you comment that your weight will "sort itself out", it won't.  You're the one eating too much, not exercising and convincing yourself that you only eat calorie free donuts and chocolate, beer doesn't have a calorie in it, and walking outside to the car is sufficient for anyone to develop a six-pack.

If you let people walk on you then they will walk on you until you politely and firmly say 'no' and mean it, if they don't listen thank them for their friendship and vote with your feet.  If you keep carrying on with toxic relationships whilst wailing that everyone uses you it is because YOU are staying there to be used.  It's easy to blame other people for using you but difficult to admit you're the cause.

Again, these are only brief examples of a book full of human quirkiries (actually I think I'll copyright that title - "Human Quirkiries" - right now, just in case I ever get around to writing those books).  You see that's my problem, someone somewhere is putting the mockers on my writing.  Boy am I going to have a word with that person when I find them, which will be the next time I pluck up the courage to look in a mirror - LOL.

You're not the only one, I've learned all my lessons the personal way.

I hope this has given you some food for thought and I'm always here if you want to actually work with these ideas.

I'll leave you with something that a counsellor said to me many years ago and that is:

"Choice and responsibility go hand in hand in life, not making a choice is a choice - and you are responsible for that."

Thanks Ben

Wishing you happy days and peaceful nights

(and plenty of forward-thinking decision making)


Wednesday, 5 January 2011

The Battle Between Need and Want!

Join my Facebook page - Deb-Dancing-Star-Hawken
Whether you consider yourself to be a Spiritual worker or not you will be aware that other people often need your help, but you may not be aware of how much they're sucking your energy.  

With some people you will feel fine after you've talked their problems through with them, but with others you will feel like you've been 12 rounds with a heavy-weight boxer - punch drunk and exhausted.

This is one of the ways you work out whether people actually want your help or need your attention.

Those who want your help will listen to your advice and act on it, you won't feel tired talking to them no matter how difficult their circumstance and how much they're struggling with life.  Even if they're really down you will notice how much they want to feel better and you will see how hard they are prepared to work to get better.

Those who only need your attention are like speaking to a DVD stuck in a groove, they repeat the same thing over and over again, you give them every piece of advice you can think of, and each piece of advice you give is resisted with something like "No but..." or "there's no way" or "I'm too tired..." or "but it isn't me it's them".

Now nothing I've said here so far has surprised you, but think for a moment, how often have you been through these situations of trying to help people who only need your attention, and landed up exhausted, frustrated and hiding from your own telephone?  Not so easy nowadays when it's probably on or near your person most of the time.

So although you know the difference between need and want are you really protecting yourself from the needers and spending your energy on the wanters?

Remember, don't cast your seeds on stoney ground, look for fertile soil and use your energy there.

Wishing you happy days and peaceful nights.