Sunday, 24 March 2013

I Feel Betrayed

It's a horrible feeling when you trust people and they let you down, you hover somewhere between anger and despair, and wondering what on earth you did to deserve this kind of treatment.

You play a variety of sound tracks in your mind where you tell them exactly what you think of them, but may find it hard to voice your feelings especially if you're angry and don't feel able to express that anger in a positive way that doesn't make things a million times worse.  Especially if your protagonist uses temper as a shut-you-up device.

Or you may be dealing with someone who traditionally pays lip-service to everything you say and then carries on doing exactly as they've always done and you're not supposed to notice.  This leaves you hovering, again, between anger and complete disbelief that either they think you're so stupid you haven't noticed or they so completely disrespect you that they don't care whether you've noticed.

I hate these situations myself because I too find it difficult to react to behaviour that I don't understand that leaves me questioning myself, but I've learnt to trust myself and to know whether I have in some way contributed towards this or it's mainly all about them and their world view.

I also have considerable problems with hurting another person even if I don't like their behaviour, mainly because I don't expect anyone to conform to my world-view or always meet only my needs.  This is especially true when you consider the difference between what you think is happening and  the way someone else views the same thing, which can be even more different than chalk and cheese.

We've all been there and we've all had successes and failures.  Successful communication is, of course, no problem, but what about the times when a) you fail and b) you're left facing a person who really doesn't care for you or respect you sufficiently to stop hurting you?  Painful times.

Obviously you should walk away, but when that person is family or a colleague then even if you can minimise your time with them you may still find being in the same room as them almost unbearable and feel as if they're laughing at you all the time.  Not a pleasant feeling.

Self confidence is a difficult thing to achieve, but if you can get to the point that you like and respect yourself then the first thing you will notice is that the respect of others isn't so critical to you.  Yes of course you would prefer to be respected and liked, but if you can't achieve that happy situation then it won't wobble your view of yourself. 

If you find that someone doesn't treat you well the first question you should ask yourself is "how do I view them?"  Do you respect them?  Do you like them?  Is their behaviour always kind and acceptable towards others as well as towards you?  Are they good communicators willing to discuss and listen, or are they always right and everyone else in the world is an idiot who's missed the point?  You get my drift.

Because before you worry about someones attitude towards you, you need to work out your attitude towards them.  If you can base this not just on the treatment they dish out to you but the way they treat others as well you may identify that this is about who they are and not just who you are.

'Me' means that you are certain you didn't start or ask for this situation, 'not me' is when you review the other persons' behaviour and conclude that it's something to do with them and how they're feeling and not about you.

This is something that many parents don't teach, probably because they weren't taught it themselves.  That you are allowed to assess behaviour towards you before you come to the conclusion that  you are wrong.  In fact it's critical that you do this.

We are all wrong at times, sometimes completely so and other times it's easy to see where two different ways of thinking, world views, or emotional situations have unwittingly collided and created a mess.  The decent and honourable person will always be able to reflect on their role in a situation and discuss it with the other people involved.  

However, if it isn't all about you then you should expect a joint apology scenario.  If you always land up admitting your part in it only to be met with "well I hope you've learnt your lesson this time" or some such slap in the face, there is definitely something awry.

So the moral of the story is, you've tried to communicate, you've acknowledge and apologised when you are wrong and still you cannot repair this relationship.  So you will take the next step then and look at this person's treatment of everyone around them, not just you.  If you can conclude that they don't treat anyone very well and their treatment of you is in line with or similar to the way they treat others, then you are safe to decide that this person does not get to judge you and find you wanting.

If you must remain in the same setting as them then simply be quiet around them, engage in conversation as little as possible, and remember that only people you respect are allowed to rattle you. 

If they are a boss or a colleague don't get drawn into their games, speak your piece quietly and firmly and stop speaking when you've said what you need to say.  If necessary job hunt and leave.  This isn't a defeat, there is no commonsense in staying somewhere you are unhappy and in a situation you are unable to repair.

If they are family then you may have to see them, but "does anyone want a drink, I'm making them?" is a very good way to leave a room.  It is especially effective if you allow someone to be unkind, don't reply to them, let a little silence develop and then duck out to the toilet or to make that drink.  It leaves their behaviour as the last thing that happens in the room and you haven't even had to say a word.

Think about these things, be aware that you are not always wrong, that you must take a considered viewpoint of the behaviour of others before you apportion blame to yourself, and that you are allowed to feel that you don't respect or like someones behaviour.  It is OK.  

We can't get on with everyone all the time, and there are some people you can't get on with ever, but a realist knows that they will not base their personal opinion of themselves on the viewpoint of someone they do not like or respect.  And you are allowed to feel that.

Wishing you happy days, peaceful nights, and buckets of self-realism.

Deb
www.debhawken.com

Thursday, 21 March 2013

Nothing To Do With Me


How often have you been in difficult situations in life leading to conflict with others and felt completely baffled as to what is going on?  People have turned on you for seemingly no reason talking to others about you behind your back, or you’ve taken a new job and the boss or your colleagues aren’t welcoming towards you.

You’ve probably felt like a victim, wondering why you, why these people are turning on you when all you’ve ever tried to do is make friends and have a happy time.  Or very, very angry and unfairly treated.

Sadly the victim mentality actually hinders your ability to sort things out.  All the time your mind is occupied with “It’s so unfair” it isn’t occupied with listening, watching and sifting information in order to get to the bottom of things.

The angry mentality won’t serve you either because the moment a person feels attacked they will attack back or you can spend hours in a tit-for-tat situation trading insults and accusations.  Which usually only leads to loss of mutual respect, possibly tears, and a bad throat from all the yelling.  Not to mention stress levels that would register on the earthquake monitoring system.

The hardest thing is to recognise your part in what is happening, and the even harder thing to do is to do so without blaming yourself, your past, your parents, and anyone else who might have at some point been in your life.  Working with fault and blame is a waste of time and energy that does nothing to resolve situations.

So what can you do?

When I first put my feet on the Spiritual path I did not do so as the Psychic Medium, writer and inspirational speaker I am now.  Instead I joined at the dawning of Spiritual enlightenment stage.

I was close to coming apart because I was living a life so horrendously unsuited to me that I didn’t know where to turn in order to escape it.  Enter my friend and mentor Keith Macfarlane who listened to all my angst and then quietly informed me that a) I was drawing these lessons to me and b) I didn’t need to think the way I did.

I liked the thinking differently part but I have to say that I was a bit miffed by the whole “drawing these lessons to you” part.  I didn’t want to think that I had any hand in this whatsoever.  I wanted to believe that it was all about the people around me and I was the innocent caught in the spiders’ web of deviousness, lies and unkindness that was my world.

That wasn’t the case of course.  The unpleasantness surrounding me was there for one good reason – I was living a lie.  In order to prevent me living that lie my Guides, helpers and friends in the Spirit World were putting the message to me through the people I knew to show me that I needed to move on.

I moved on from my job, my marriage, my home, my in-laws, most of my friends, and eventually my family.  The only lasting thing I took with me was my 2 cats and some good memories.  It caused a lot of angst but it was well worth it.

The knowledge I’ve gained in the last 30 years, combined with the experiences I have working with others will fill several books, but to prĂ©cis it for the purposes of a short article – I discovered that I needed to take responsibility for my own life.

I found that I needed to learn to think not about guilt and blame or anger and hurt.  Instead I needed to understand what I was seeing in these situations, what they were teaching me, and how they were showing me where to move on with my life and bring it to a healthier, happier place.

I also discovered that situations, both difficult and pleasant, teach you things about yourself and show you where you need to change in order to feel better in your own mind and more confident about who you are as a person.

I have met many people through the years who have found this too difficult to do because they won’t let go of the idea of guilt, blame and bad people doing bad things to innocent victims and instead look for the Spiritual and Universal message.

We all have times when we aren’t the sort of person we want to be, when we behave in ways that we otherwise wouldn’t.  These times are triggered by anger, lack of self-confidence, hurt, pain and all the other ugly things that sneak into everyone’s life from time-to-time.

Simple human situations are not the result of bad people, they’re just messages about personal character traits, people and situations that are no longer relevant to you.

Life is a journey and there is a point to many of the difficult things that happen, and that point is to release negative emotions.  You do that by releasing negative situations.  When you show the universe that you no longer need the rubbish in your life it will stop sending it, but you need to undo the damage within you that makes you keep coming back for more.

You may think that you don’t come back for more, but let me ask you one question.  If the same or similar situations keep occurring who is the person entering and then staying in these situations?  It’s you.  Therefore you haven’t healed the damage in you so that you can say “I deserve better than this” and that means it’s you choosing the situations.  Those who don’t choose them identify, observe, and walk away!

This world of ours is the perfect place to learn to deal with what I feel are the physical emotions – in other words not the serenity and love of the higher mind.

It is in this world that we get into a muddle, and it is to this world that we return to rectify matters.  We may have been unkind to someone in a past life where we knew no better or were victims of a socio-political situation bigger than ourselves.   We may have manifested in those lives behaviour that we cannot begin to comprehend now, and we may have decided to come back and right those wrongs.

In doing so we learn to deal with the emotions, releasing the negative ones yet keeping as part of ourselves the learning, wisdom and greater ability to love that can be the positive result of all the difficult times.

We certainly can’t work those things out in the Spirit World, because that would make it as messy and emotionally confused as it is here.

So if you find yourself experiencing difficult times, calm down, watch and listen to what is happening.  Keep a diary and look for repeat patterns.

If this is a one-off situation that you have never experienced before then avoid the trap of believing that everything that happens in the world is about you and realise that this might be to do with the other person.

Also understand that you may not know exactly what they’re going through in life.  Particularly at work most people present a surface image created for a foreign environment they’re forced into in order to eat and have somewhere to live.  So try not to judge the person or assign blame.  Just conclude that this is an abnormal situation for you, diary it and let it go.

If however you find that there is a recurring pattern then understand that it is a life lesson for you, and use your diary to help you identify the lesson both external – who and what you keep in your world, and internal – the negative emotions you need to eradicate in order to be serene in your own mind and life, and more importantly to like yourself and draw positive people towards you.

Believe me, from my own experience I know that this is a worthwhile and healing way to live.