Thursday, 23 June 2011

Charlie's Chewsletter - New Group Being Started

Dear Hoomans

It haz been sum time since I've written to you in my own words and worn out my pawses tryping to you on mum's laptop.  However, I iz a bit feds up so I've decided to start a new group it's called CAFFE.

Charlie Against Feline Female Emancipation

Now I don't knows what emancipation is (I got mum to smell it for me) but I do knows that it isn't a good idea - as can be clearly seen from this very telling photograph where I is a victim of emancipation AGAIN.

For those of you unfamiliar with my lifestyle let me just tell you that I live with 4 sisters and my mum.  I also haz a dad but he duz lots of workings and is b*******g off to NZ in September without me and leaving me at their mercies.  PLUS auntie Jayne might have moved in by then too and although she's very nice and calls me beautiful a lot she iz still a female and therefore emancipated and definitely untrustworthy.

I knows that all the mens reading this will completely understand the pawsition in which I finds myself (usually under a woman what haz her claws out and a nasty glint in her eye).  And I will admit to being somewhat of a softie who's growl is rarely backed up by more than a quick snap of the jawz if mum izn't looking.

This is becoz mum a) adopted 4 women and then b) banned all violence from the household!  Now why on earth would she get 3 women before me and 1 after me and then ban violence when it was most needed?

She duz say that I did torment Jo-Jo for the first year of my life and turn her from a sweetie into a warrior queen where I'm concerned (pleeze note that she is a warrior queen and I am "Charlie stop growling NOW") Surely she knowz that any man cowering under a table with his paws over his head is only growling for show and would high-tail it out of there like a rocket on speed if he's given half a chance and the others aren't lurking casually round corners waiting to biff him?

I wishes I could borrow my dad's motorbike (Doris) then I'd show them how quick I could get my butt out of the firing line.  Hell hath no fury like a woman who's bum's been bit - wished I'd knowed that before I bit my first bum.

I'm sure that all you mens sympathise with my plight as you go through the same types of things likes forgetting Valentine's day, wedding anniversaries, her birthday, her (in the car park at Tescos).  A word of advice there, if you drive away without her again come back, park somewhere else and claim that you were in that spot last week, THIS week you've been at the other end of the car park the whole time.

Anyways, if any mens want to joins my group I could modify it to Charlie Against Female Emancipation (I had to drop an F becoz mum wouldn't let me puts in the other F word I wanted to use).

This group will be to raise money to take us all somewhere there are no women but lots of cooks and peeple wot can provide food and the basic necessities of life (water, string, mices, butterflies - which I DO NOT chase).  You hooman mens might want something different but if any of the difference is females I shall drum you out of the group instantly and bites your butts for good measure.  I sure hopes my mouth is big enough!

Anyway, I haz to go now becoz mum needs to put the ices cream that she is NOT eating back in the freezer.  I can also confirm to my aunties Nicky and Belle that she does have copious supplies of chocolate on the premises and on the grounds that I hears her scream when she sees her chocolate in the mirror before she gets dressed she does not need any more!  Those screems are really deafening, I thought WWIII had broken out the other day and it was an air raid siren going off, turns out she'd caught sight of herself in the door of the conservatory.

Anyway, if you are going to bring goodies aunties pleeze gets them from any well known pet store - you'd be doing mum a favour providing whatever you buys haz no legz and iz NOT female! In which case you would find that my bite IZ worser than my growl.

I will sign off now.  Pleeze send all donashuns (please note that duz not read NOT dalmations especially NOT female onez) to my dad who is collecting the monies for me and NOT spending it on the trip to NZ whilst he abandonz me to all them wimmins.  I think he might be coming with us eventually though on the grounds he's mucked up a good few remembering situations himself.

Mum said to him the other night that wherever his brain cell what duz remembering woz it wozn't in her head.  I've been looking for it for him even since but mum sez no-one's eyesight is THAT good.  I asked him where he last saw it and he said that no-one's memory is that good either.

So...on the grounds that cowardice is the better part of survival

I remain

In my barrel hidden behind a large bush


P.S. reeely reely can't leave me alone with them much will a first class seat for me cost and a) will my groupies mind me spendings my monies on it and b) will you be lonely in economy?
P.P.S.  This Chewsletter was generated by Amie pouncing on me whilst I woz asleep in the sun and bitings my head - auntie Nicky witnessed this via the mobile tepelone and will be glad to be a witness in court for me.
P.P.P.S.  Amie and Jo-Jo had a fight today, they were laying on their sides in the sun batting at each other with one paw!
P.P.P.P.S.  I might be a tell tail but actually it's a magnificent tail and deserves to be told!  So There!
P.P.P.P.P.S.  Dad - if you're going back to Noo Zeeland to find your brain cell don't bother, it will only get you into trouble!


  1. Charlie:

    a) I witnessed the violence
    b) Your mum is a baby about cake eating in her absence
    c) You are lucky - in this house we have 1 man and 6 wimmin - Phil says its a good job he is in touch with his female side (me!).
    d) Your mum has icecream? Wail! Sob! Sniff!

    Good luck!

    Auntie Nicky x

  2. Thank you Auntie Nicky for bearing witness to my dangerous situation. It's a good job my mum adores me!