Trust 3 - An Inviolable Sense of Self

I changed my mind about what to do next due to a very good comment on the Facebook thread I mentioned in Trust 1.  It reminded me of an often neglected area of trust - an inviolable sense of self.

It's very very hard to hold on to your sense of self in this life.  Unless you're extremely lucky to have been raised by supportive parents, have always had 100% genuine friends, and have met only positive, supportive, people.

Let's say that you haven't had this luck.  Let's say that you've had a normal life path and stumbled through a number of painful relationship realities that have broken your trust and made you feel that you can't trust anyone ever again.

An affair might have convinced you that you're middle aged, fat and frumpy, or not good in bed.  A friend may have betrayed you, a colleague may have stabbed you in the back in order to get the promotion you were both up for, a boy/girlfriend might have left you after telling you that it's all your fault.  In fact your life path might be one of betrayal after betrayal and who can blame you for losing trust in...well...trust.  Certainly not me.


Your problem is your sense of self.  You have allowed the actions of others to wobble your belief in who you are.

This DOES NOT mean that it's your fault, far from it.  What it does mean is that you were never taught to look at yourself and decide who you are and how you feel about it.  You were never taught to look at your strengths and appreciate them, because of course that's big-headed and arrogant isn't it.

I'm going to give you an exercise that someone gave me when I first put my feet on the Spiritual path and believe me I sympathise, it was the hardest thing I've ever done.

I want you to make a list of everything good about yourself

Yes you CAN do this and yes there ARE good things about you.  You must do this because you've got to become realistic about who you are.  I'll guarantee that you know your faults but I want you to become acquainted with your strengths and good points.

I want you to do this so that you start to focus on why you deserve decent treatment.  More importantly why you have the right to decent treatment.

Then I want you to think about some of the bad treatment you've received in the past, go back over it in your mind and ask yourself this important question:

What do I think of the person who treated me that way?

Do you like those people?  Do you admire their behaviour?  Realistically you will have been involved in the situation but do you admire the way you were treated?  Would you like to treat anyone that way?

I'm asking these questions so that you get into your true emotional understanding that these people who hurt you were not nice people, or they were nice people who did not behave well under the circumstances.

Realism is the most important factor in learning to trust again.  My first marriage broke up in a wave of anguish that is still a tiny bit unbelievable to me 20 years later.  I won't go into it but I was betrayed not by my ex husband but but everyone else around me.  I held a party for 50 people in the December, I could have invited 100 but we didn't have room.  By July of the following year I knew 5 of those people.  

I was involved of course, but I am 100% comfortable in my own mind that I did not deserve the treatment I received.  That is because I trust who I am and I trust my ability to judge situations fairly.  I'm not perfect, I'm not always right, I don't always know what to do or how to do it, I make mistakes, but at the end of the day I do trust me completely.

And that's what makes me confident enough to trust again, and again, and again.

Connect that idea in your mind to the concept that everyone is human, and you will see why you need to:

Heal the past in your mind.

Understand your part in situations, but that you were only a part of it.

Think clearly about whether you respect the other people involved...

Or feel that their behaviour was unacceptable.

Be real about who you are and that you are NOT always wrong or to blame.

Get to know yourself.

Learn to respect yourself.

And never EVER let anyone affect your self respect again.

That way trusting people will never again be frightening.

I'm not saying what's coming next this time because I think I've just changed my mind anyway.

Deb :-)

Trust 2 - Emotions and Communiation

Having tried to identify what trust is and who it is we're trying to trust 100% of the time for all reasons, no matter what (human beings).  Let's look at the tricky little number that trust affects and that is our emotions.

You've got them and you know that they're difficult things to deal with.  Sometimes you know exactly what you feel about everything and at other times you haven't got a clue what you want or need.

You also know that sometimes you feel that other people should understand what you're going through and yet one of two truths are in play:

You don't know what you feel.

You haven't told the people around you how you feel.

You haven't told them what you need.

You don't know what you need.

The problem is it is very difficult to go into a new relationship, whip out your generic trust agreement and make people sign it in blood on pain of death if they break it.  You know what it's like with written agreements, first you have to actually read them, then you file them, then you have to remember where you put them, and anyway, subtly...oh so subtly...you reworded them to suit your needs and understanding even while you were nodding politely.

The same goes for verbal communication, you'll say anything to get someone's clothes off, get a new job, etc., but in your mind you're reworking your understanding to suit what you know you're going to do.  "I will definitely love you and only you forever unless someone taller/with a larger bust comes along."

So...you can't set up a Draft Heads of Agreement for trust within a relationship.  You may not always know what you need and what you feel, therefore the people around you might get it wrong.

PLUS a few problems...

Other peoples' needs and emotions are not the same as yours.

Other people's ethics are not the same as yours.

Some people are natural empaths and some are naturally dense and unaware.

Some communicate clearly and well, others can't speak their needs at all.

You can surprise yourself so you can certainly surprise others.

You have changed and grown as a human being and so have they (mostly).

In other words...

It goes back to this whole human being issue again.

So, what can you do?

You can set relationship standards for yourself and be that person.

You can ask clearly for what you need.

You can say clearly that what's happening does not work for you.

You COMMUNICATE.

You LISTEN.

You DISCUSS.

AND most importantly

You are REALISTIC and AWARE!

You have a right to have standards by which you would like to be treated, but you must be prepared to also deliver those standards.

You must communicate with people around you and tell them what you need, what isn't working and how you feel.  You must listen to them and understand where they are coming from.  Be prepared to discuss but be wary of too much compromise if you're the one constantly backing down something is definitely wrong.

You must also be aware of what is going on, realistic as to whether the relationship is working for you and if you aren't prepared to walk away then you must take responsibility for staying and putting up with it.  It can be incredibly difficult to move on sometimes but people have escaped from the most difficult and damaging of situations and you can too.

If a relationship has demoralised you to the point that you feel like a horrible person who deserved it all:

Go quiet and don't create difficult situations.

Find help (medical and complementary).

Build up your inner strength.

If you need to diet.

Exercise, it raises the endorphins that make you feel generally better.

(seek advice from your GP if you have any medical conditions or concerns regarding fitness)

Get your hair cut into a nice style or learn to style it or put it up so that it looks good.

If you can afford to update your wardrobe.

Then when you're feeling stronger and better all round...

Walk quietly away with the minimum fuss and the maximum speed.  Not easy to do in difficult relationships with partners or families but if you ask around you will find support from people who have managed to extricate themselves from toxic relationships and if they can do it you can.

However, the bottom line here regarding trust is:

You set the standards.

You observe realistically.

You communicate.

You take action depending on how things go.

It is all about you.

Next "Trust, the Bottom Line"

Deb

Trust 1 - The Basics

I asked a question on Facebook the other day about what people really need help with and Trust came up as a big issue.  I started writing about it and I can confirm that it IS a BIG issue.  So I'm breaking it down into bite-sized chunks.

Let's start by thinking about what trust is.  You may disagree with me or be able to take this thought further but the best I could come up with when I really went into the feeling is:

Trust is what I hope for in all relationships.  

It means that I will never be hurt by anyone.  

It means that people will always mean what they say and do what they say.  

It means that they will always know what I need and deliver it.

I'm sincerely glad that I don't have to ask for what I've defined above as it felt completely unrealistic even as I wrote it.   Because...

We are all human.  

All humans make mistakes.

The greater percentage of human beings mean well.

Most humans mean what they say until they realise that they can't do it.

Most humans mean what they say until they realise that it had a different meaning for you.

Most humans try to be nice by saying yes but sometimes they really meant no.

Relationships have ups and downs.

A lifetime is a long time to love one person.

People change.

Feelings change.

Hopes and dreams change.

Forever is a long time to be perfect.

Nobody is in your life to serve your purpose, not even your children.

Stress affects all relationships.

That children comment is a tough one, but at the end of the day everyone is an individual even the child you gave birth to/sired, and nobody is born to make your life ok, to be perfect around you or for you.  No one, not even you.  You can't say the words "I'm only human!" without remembering that so is everyone else.

Even you don't get things right for yourself all the time.  You make wrong decisions.  You say you'll do something and you don't really want to so you find a way out that fools no one.  You have changed since you were born, maybe more than once, and you will do so again.  If you're honest do you love him/her the same way you did when you met?  Were you really surprised when it broke up or deep-down did you know?

Right, it's a start.  If this makes any sense to you or you can rethink it to make sense you will immediately see that we have high expectations of ourselves and other humans.  

Perhaps the best start with dealing with trust issues is to realise that no one is perfect isn't a cliche it's the truth.

More later

Deb

Personal, Spiritual and Psychic Mediumship Development

Morning all, hope no one has melted in the rain!  It's been an interesting summer so far to put it mildly, but the good news is that summer didn't officially kick in until 21st June so we've only lost three weeks of potential frying!

As you may have seen, Nicky and I are running a Spiritual Retreat in October at the wonderful and relaxing Buckland Hall in the Brecon Beacons, 5 minutes off a main A road, 20 minutes from Monmouth railway station, and yet the moment you get through the doors of the hall the modern world somehow ceases to exist.

As you walk into the Baronial Hall you're confronted by two roaring log fires surrounded by the kind of comfy sofas you have at home, or for those who are hot stuff a huge bay window that looks out over the surrounding hills and valleys of Wales.  The gardens are amazing, the bedrooms are comfortable and as big as anything you'll see in a decent hotel; in fact far bigger than many hotels bedrooms of my acquaintance.

It's also one of the most Spiritual places I've ever been to, and the paranormal activity is friendly and comfortable.

Why though would you come on a course of this type?  Why not just psychic mediumship development, or personal or Spiritual development?  Why the mix?

The answer to those questions is because Nicky and I apply every aspect of our psychic mediumship work to our own lives - because it is applicable to being at work, having relationships, dealing with family, bringing up children (her not me, I just chase cats round the garden in the rain and clean up fur balls), and anything else you do between getting up and going to sleep. Oh...and understanding your dreams.

We both have close contact with our Guides Amos and Shanamaya (to name but two of our amazing team) and they are always there to give us advice on how to cope, often coming up with something we would never have considered, the gentle wisdom of which blows us away.  There's no doubt in our minds that we're both better people because we have them to help us.

So when it comes to the psychic mediumship training, whether you want to be a worker in the Spiritual field or whether you would just like to be able to hear your life Guide or Guardian Angel, or feel the love from your loved ones and friends in the Spirit world, the training is useful.

If you've ever had paranormal experiences that have concerned you a course like this can also answer a number of questions, put your mind at rest, and you will learn about psychic protection and what is and is not a matter of concern.  If you have a child showing psychic or mediumship tendencies it can be very useful to understand the field yourself and know where to go for guidance and help.

If you just want to handle people at work by being more understanding then the psychic exercises will be a great help, or if you want alternative means of guiding your life in the right direction other than trying to think logically, then learning about your intuition and finding out how strong it is will be very useful.

Spiritual development isn't a fluffy concept either, with the exception of the points mentioned above, it is real life development that works in the real world.  If you learn to meditate you have means of calming your mind so that you can think.  The body won't sleep if the mind won't relax, so meditating in bed can be an effective way of relaxing.  Even if you don't sleep you can tell your body it is totally relaxed and resting and still bounce out of bed rejuvenated and ready to rock.

You can learn the difference between a dream and a lucid dream or even a Spiritual journey undertaken during the night, and you can learn how to understand the messages your mind and higher self (Spiritual aspect of you) are sending you.

You can learn how to react to people in a completely different way, and most importantly you can learn how to be happy.  Yes, it is possible to learn how to be happy and feel that your glass is completely full 90% of the time.  You can learn what else is available to you to support you through your life in order to have a bigger toolbox of help when you need it.

Here's another thing that might surprise you - I know beyond doubt, and so does Nicky, that she would have had a far harder time recovering from her accident of 2 years ago had she not been a Spiritual thinking.  I have also changed completely from someone who suffered from permanent acute anxiety for over 20 years to someone who gets flashes of it when they get stressed or tired, and knows that's just a message to "Do Something!" about it.

Personal development may sound different, but naturally Spiritual development leads to personal development and magic happens in real life.

Lastly, you will know the difference between a psychic and medium and you will know whether you want to pursue any of the fascinating work available in the field.

When I say lastly I mean that loosely of course.  I haven't even got to nature readings, walking meditations for those who can't sit still, fire readings, psychic games, inspirational speaking, colour readings, seeing auras, exploring healing, learning about holistic therapies, and all the many wonderful things we have at our disposal in our lives and want to share with you.  And the new friends, there are always new friends on courses like this, which means that if so far you've felt very alone with your changing Spirituality you won't be when you leave Bucklands.



In case you haven't seen the advert it's £238 for the two days full board and all teaching, payable in 3 amounts £80 now, £80 in August, £78 in September.  If we get over 33 people the September amount will be a bit less.

There it is, we so want to get our teaching going and start really helping people to improve their everyday lives and perfectly normal human abilities.

Wishing you happy days and peaceful nights

Deb and Nicky xx

Married to a Monster!

I am married to a monster!  A nice monster but a heinous wretch all the same.  Why you may ask?  You may well ask!!!!

He uses my little car for trips to the recycling centre and promised on a stack of bibles and with his crown jewels in a vice that he would NEVER ever allow any eight legged creatures to set up home in my car.

Today I was driving to meet a friend when to my horror (and in the presence of much shrieking) a spider was doing the fandango across the windscreen in front of my very eyes!  Up it went threatening to climb the roof and drop into my hair (I could tell it had that kind of cruel look about it), down it came to spin a neat little web across my line of vision, and all the time I'm trying to stay on the right side of the road and avoid the articulated trucks coming towards me.

I stopped to grab the wretched creature and deposit it in a hedge but of course the little tinker dropped rapidly off the windscreen and disappeared out of sight...until I started driving again when it reappeared from the crevice it had taken refuge in with an evil grin on it's chops and a glint in it's eye.  "Where will I land next?" said the look.

Now it is true that it isn't actually a huge spider, in fact one might call it bijou and compact, but even a 1/4" arachnid is distracting when it's waving it's butt at you as you're driving and looking like it might have a big family secreted somewhere around your person.  I know this because I swear it was singing the theme tune to Friends as I drove along!

Trouble is I can't kill it.  So...

If anyone wishes to reach Tony Hawken this weekend he will be living in my car, clutching a glass and piece of card to trap the damned creature, and as soon as he exits the car I will have his special places in athat vice!

Enjoy the Jubilee everyone!

Wishing you happy days, peaceful nights and a spider-free life - unless you have one as a pet in which case I wish it nothing but well and a strongly sealed cage surrounded by 8 metres of electrified barb wire!

Deb

That's What Happens When You Get Busy!

I know that I have followers from several parts of the world who read my blog, and I have to apologise for being so absent from this site lately.  I've been studying.

I've been writing a book for years and I realised that I wasn't actually doing it, just noodling around with a few words here and there but not committing myself, but I didn't know why.

Fortunately I saw an offer on the internet to join www.transformationalauthor.com for a set of free seminars and I have to say that it's been amazing, full of content and really useful information for aspiring writers, but it's also been hard work.

Each day I've listened to 2 hours of content, and the rest of my time has been taken up with putting into practice what I'm learning, and that for me has been the key step - doing something with the knowledge I have.

I think the moral of this story is that sometimes you have to take a step back from normal everyday life and do something completely different, enjoy what you're doing and really get into it, because it gives you a fresh perspective in life and maybe some fuel for your inner boiler of energy and enthusiasm.

I've enjoyed doing something different even if it's meant neglecting a few of my old stalwarts - not forever, but just to have a bit of a mental and emotional refresh!

Give that some thought, thank you for your continued support, and let me know what you choose to do to give your life a new coat of paint.

That website again is www.transformationalauthor.com, or look up Christine Kloser on Facebook.

Wishing you happy days, peaceful nights and new opportunities

Deb

Are You A (problem) Keeper or Solver?

Are your problems your best friends?  "Of COURSE not!!!!" you're yelling at the computer screen, wondering if I'm completely and utterly nuts or have just lost my senses for a moment.

I'm neither, I'm a person who has worked with people on their problems for over 20 years and I can tell you that what I'm saying is true - many people hang onto their problems in the same way they hang on to a friend who may not be a positive force in their life but is better than no friend at all.

The way they do this is to complicate the problem out of all recognition until it's so big and difficult that it can't possibly be solved.  They try to see into the future and imagine how they would solve the problem, and then get scared and don't solve the problem at all because the end result seems so huge.

Whereas problem solvers take a long hard look at the issue and then take it one step at a time until they solve it.  Slowly and methodically.

One of the hardest things in life is to know yourself, warts and all, and trust yourself to be able to manage your own life.  These are attributes that should be taught in schools alongside Maths and English, because those strengths would get you a lot further in life than purely academic abilities alone.  But they're not, to the detriment of those who have gone before, those going through the system, and those yet to come.  To my mind positive thinking and problem solving attitudes should be taught in schools.

So once we've been trained by the people in our past to be the person we are, now we have to take responsibility for that and change it.  That's what I did and it's been a long road and sometimes a hard one, but from the day I made the decision that I would take out of my psyche all the things I'd been taught as 'truths' that I now knew a) weren't truths and b) were nothing to do with the person I am, everything has been that much easier.

How to do it though?  I can only suggest simple steps in a blog.

1. Keep a journal and note whether you're a positive or negative thinker (remember, you don't always need to think negatively about difficult issues, you can think positively in a difficult situation). 
2. Focus on happiness and nice things.  Really notice all the good around you, the birds, the flowers, the rainbows, the opportunities to go out and have fun.
3. Go out and have fun.
4. Read loads of books by 'thinkers' and build a mindset that is all your own.
5. Go to see many inspirational speakers and find out what makes them tick and why.

These are good starting points because you have to change you in order to change your mind.  You don't want to be leaping in trying to change yourself all at once.  That simple step of journal keeping will tell you where you are emotionally.  The focusing on happiness will fill your mind with much better thoughts and that alone will put you in a positive space for dealing with your life.  Having fun will turn you into a fun person whose glass is always half full.  Other ideas will give you just that, other ideas to have in your head rather than the negative ones that have been taking up space.

The last big fear to be dealt with is "who am I without my problems?"  There's an entire book or counselling year in that, but here's a simple answer to start working with - someone happier.  Imagine that!  Imagine that every day, spend mind time thinking about it, feeling how it would be, visualising how you would live if you were happier, make it so real you can feel it and guess what?  It will happen.  

Just snuck another step in there.

Wishing you happy days, peaceful nights and no...oh what was the word..p...por...pro...no it's gone out of my head!

Deb :-)