This is the story of the dropped glass of wine that didn't cause a crisis.
Imagine a quiet winter evening, three people are gathered in a house chatting away about life, the universe and everything. At the same time wifey (martyr) is struggling to thread new lights onto the already decorated Christmas tree. They are all engrossed in this superhuman effort to render the household somewhat Christmassy, with the two comfortably sitting on the couch cuddling cats wearing themselves out shouting constant encouragement and suggestions.
However, wifey really started to struggle and needed urgent assistance - to whit, someone to remove the darling kitten from the other end of the Christmas lights (which were switched on). Hubby to the rescue, in one neat leap he left his comfy perch on the sofa and supermanned across the room, inadvertently taking his glass of wine with him.
As it arced gracelessly through the air spraying red wine to all corners of the household there was a deafening screech followed by the sound of wailing and cursing. Hubby was down on his hands and knees on the floor trying to suck the carpet and wifey was berating the unfair gods that their carpet should be so summarily ruined in a month when both cars had decided that an extra visit to the garage would be very nice thank you.
Into the midst of this chaos a quiet voice (we'll call it Jayne) said "do you have any ********?" (insert name of well known stain removal brand).
The screeching and berating stopped and all that could be heard in the silence was the sound of frantic carpet sucking and gentle weeping.
Fortunately it transpired that there was some of this well known brand of stain remover in the house so Jayne and wifey prised the weeping hubby off the carpet and sent him to the kitchen to locate said cleaner. Mainly because neither of the ladies has a short term memory nor do they do domestic so they wouldn't have been sure exactly what they were looking for and would probably have come back with chocolate.
Chocolate is obviously a wonderful food stuff - being based on the coffee bean which as everyone knows is a vegetable - however, it is not known for its carpet cleaning properties and sadly, unlike alcohol, you don't cease to care about your ruined carpet once the entire bar has disappeared. In fact it doubles the crisis because now you have to worry about the carpet and your waistline.
To shorten a short story that has become long, the famous stain removing brand was battered into the carpet and the stain was magically gone!
The Christmas tree was finally finished and looking glorious, the kitten had been lovingly removed from the lights rather than utilised as a fairy and was now purring happily on top of the bookcase (prior to falling off into the plant below). The humans had hot drinks and more wine and the world felt rosy again.
From this heart-warming Christmas story we can learn several things:
1. Ask your Christmas lights to fail when you test them not after you've put them on the tree.
2. It is possible to gently extract one set of lights and weave in another whilst fending off a kitten.
3. When teetering across the room like a fairy - I mean knight in shining armour- keep your hands in your pocket.
4. A kitten falling into a metal plant pot makes one heck of a noise and shortens your life by several seconds.
5. Don't panic before you check whether you have a famous brand of stain remover in the house.
6. It is useful to have an uninvolved observer on hand during a crisis. Which means...
7. Always have a Jayne - if you don't, stay calm, sort it out and pencil in the panic for sometime never!
Wishing you happy days and peaceful nights.